The Universe, Female Mud Wrestlers and Email

Deep Purple—“The House of Blue Light”

MoTW—“The Grifters”

It’s been some time since I answered reader email, so I decided that now
is as good a time as any. Actually, now might not be as good a time as
then, but I really couldn’t do it then since that could either mean it’s
before or after now which might cause the universe to bend into itself
which would be a pretty bad thing I suppose.

‘Cause if the universe was to bend into itself that would cause it to
become something like one of those orange Hot Wheel tracks and all the
planets would be bouncing around with no set pattern which would result
in total anarchy and soon thereafter the bigger planets would bully the
smaller planets leaving the smaller planets to find the closest dark
corner, curl up into the fetal position and cry.

But the bigger planets won’t mind since they’re happily bouncing around
with no cares in the universe until the one day the universe decides to
unbend, springing back into it’s previous shape causing all the planets,
big and small, to align properly reducing the chance of that total
anarchy thing.

However, the smaller planets will never forget what happened and now
they’re spinning around waiting for the universe to lose it’s mind again
because now they have a plan to get back at those big bully planets.

Oh yes. It’s going to happen.

Fortunately we have these emails to help us pass the time……………

Tree from Spokane, WA:

“i don’t like you or your stuff because i don’t know whats real or whats
fake. you also say you’re going to have interviews and new religions and
stuff and then never have anything else about them so i guess you are a
lier but you do keep mentioning crackwhore vilage and bob so i guess
those have to be true.”

Actually, Crackwhore Village and Bob are fake. Stuff like dancing
gophers, humping the highway, experimenting on Jerome, being chased by
savages in the jungle and numerous others are the real truth. Who would
believe that there is an actual crackwhore village somewhere or someone
like Bob actually exists?

I recommend you read/re-read every “Lunatic Ravings” using what I wrote
above as your guideline and you’ll come back with a fresher, mintier
view on life, or not depending on what you’re smoking.

Lucas from Rockport, IL:

“Hey, how are ya? I’ve been reading your column for some time and wonder
why it’s not mentioned on that “Coast To Coast” program on MSNBC. They
always talk about blogs but this site is never mentioned, and I think
these are blogs?”

We’re never mentioned because we refuse to use big, stupid sounding
words like “filibuster”. I hate that word as much as I hate the word
“smashmouth”. Hate the group too, but that’s neither here nor there
which can get me to talking about the universe bending in on itself but
I shall refrain.

They probably don’t like mentioning sites that liberally use foul
language since it warps the minds of the kiddies, unless they read this
column which has been free of any foul language since the beginning of
this year. Go ahead and check if you don’t believe me.

Besides, I am almost sure that Monica Crowley used to be a mud wrestler
and I once had a really bad experience with a mud wrestler and my name
was probably blacklisted from anything to do with mud and female
wrestlers, Now don’t get me wrong, I admire female mud wrestlers, but
sometimes things get out of hand and the next thing you know you’ve been
thrown out of the bar and banned for life just because you made one tiny
comment that was misinterpreted and now you’re forced to only fantasize
what some women would look like in a mud coated bikini since you can
never, ever see them live and up close again.

COMING NEXT: Crate creating!

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

One thought on “The Universe, Female Mud Wrestlers and Email

  1. I would like to mention that I, Bob Senitram, do exist. I’m quit sure of it.

    In fact, you are all characters in my dream on my eighth birthday…Officially I have woken, but to you I am still sleeping, because if I stopped dreaming you would all cease to exist.

    I believe you should all thank me for allowing you to exist, even if the existence is but a shallow reflection of reality….MY REALITY.

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