A Week (minus one day) Off

by Garion Bel,

Until this afternoon I was having a pretty good week. God has kept the fuck out of my head. I went into work on Monday, and took the rest of the fuck week off. I could have done something productive with my time like, study java, read a book, or go for a fuck walk and get some exercise, but I didn’t.

I did work out on Tuesday but pretty much stayed drunk and played video games for the rest of the week. Knights of the Old Republic, is still, a good fucking game. My favorite part is where you convince the Wookie to kill his best friend Mission.

Anyway I don’t have a lawn to mow like some of the folks on the other columns and the Lord does the dishes. So Today I ran out of mindless shit to do so, I hurt my back, for no particular reason, I mean I was just standing, so what the fuck.

So I spoke out loud to the Lord, “Where is God?” I knew he was up to something. The Lord did not answer, he only looked upon me and quizzically turned his head to one side as most dogs (and republicans) tend to do.

Turns out he was giving me the rest of the week off. He revealed himself (yet again) at the grocery store. Except this time I wasn’t the one he was having some fun with. My girlfriend and I were standing in line, buying some steaks, minding our own fuck business when the over-friendly cashier (who by the way wouldn’t stop small talk’n with the guy in front of us that had completed his trans-fuck-action) asked my girl if her necklace was made from whalebone. The light of the almighty filled her eyes and she answered without hesitation, “No, foolish woman, this fine piece of jewelry was fashioned from the bone matter of my aborted fetus’s skull.”

She went on to explain, “I would sooner destroy an unborn child than harm one of God’s precious whales.”

Then I knew that God was giving me the week off, speaking through her, and suddenly understood why she has been looking at her own boobs all week.

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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