by Stephen Johnson
The Tea Party—The Interzone Mantras
MoTW—Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
While I must thank Bob for thinking about me when the woman left me
alone a couple weekends ago, I think it’s wise that I tell the real
story of what happened.
Ok, so while it’s true that I am not allowed to use the microwave, oven,
dishwasher, washer, dryer and curling iron while the woman is gone, I
can use the toaster so a loaf of bread is always available in case I
want me some toast.
Other than that the only other thing that’s left in case I get the
munchies is a big barrel of Quaker Oats. I can eat that shit by the
spoonful and I do since it’s god for the digestive system, especially
when you eat them oats raw.
I get my greatest ideas when I shower or when I take drugs. When Bob
called, I was in the shower while taking drugs. I wanted super-duper
ideas so I might have went a bit overboard. That’s why I dropped the
phone. I was in such complete ecstasy from the drugs and the shower
massage I couldn’t grasp objects for long and I also lost complete
control of all other bodily functions.
This means that I shit myself twice this year, all in the span of three
months. That’s a new record!
Jerome’s description of the state of the house was correct. However, we
live near Detroit so the damage was not done by me. It was just the
buildup from the daily drive-by shootings, so nothing to worry about.
The volleyball wasn’t really a volleyball but one of my testicles which
got shot off by one of those drive-bys. Instead of tossing it in the
garbage like a normal person would, I painted a face on it. Now my
detached testicle is considered ART.
The painting was not a painting but an image on the tv. I paused it on
that image while I went to shower and drug up.
I’m really curious where Bob found Jerome. I thought he had been put out
of his and my misery years ago. Something’s not right here….I’m going
to have to investigate.
So you’re probably asking yourself what idea I came up with, and I’m
telling you I came up with a doozy.
I was thinking that since it is the holiday season and folks love stuff
like Make-A-Wish and Crackwhore Village, why not combine the two?
Therefore, for a limited time only, you have the opportunity to
That’s right! Just bring yourself or one of your loved (or not so loved)
ones to one of our two villages and for a low, low price we’ll make them
into a Crackwhore!
Clean Crackwhore? We can do it! Dirty Crackwhore? We can do it (cheaper
than the clean Crackwhore)!
You name it, we can do it and we’ll also supply papers proving the
authenticity of your Crackwhore. And this isn’t just your normal
crackwhore, this is a Crackwhore! They’ll become a proper noun!
How long they remain a Crackwhore is up to you. Feed them correctly, and
they’ll remain a Crackwhore for a long, long time. Don’t feed them?
You’ll just have to find out!
“But Stephen, crackwhores don’t eat. Why would feed them?”
Did I say you needed to give them food? NO! You just need to feed them
c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y. You’ll have to figure out what that mean but I can
tell you the hint might be in their new designation…
And the advantages, you ask? There’s many!
1) You no longer have to worry about them staying out late.
2) Your water bill will go way down! No laundry or showers for them!
3) You’ll save on gas! They won’t need their car because they’ll forget
how to drive.
4) Wait, they never had a car? You’ll still save on gas because you
won’t have to drive their ass to work or to a hair appointment!
5) You’ll save money on makeup!
6) You’ll save money on razors!
7) You’ll meet new people and quite possibly live!
There’s more, much more! But you’ll have to find out yourself! Just come
to your nearest Crackwhore Village (remember, there’s two of ’em so
one’s bound to be close by) and celebrate the holidays in style….
COMING NEXT: More holiday cheer?