An Announcement of the Highest Magnitude

Avantasia—The Scarecrow

MoTW—Can't Stop The Music

I can remember a few years ago when I made the momentous decision to
throw all caution to the wind and announce my candidacy to become the
next prez of the USA.

Sadly, I did not receive any votes and my dream was dashed. (Then again,
maybe I DID win and it scared those that count the votes so much, they
decided not to send the prize patrol to my front doorstep.)

A lesser mortal would crawl into a cave licking his (or her) wounds,
never venturing out again, happy to sit in that cave shedding silent
tears while rocking back and forth until that jagged rock poking them in
the ass forces them to move even farther back in that cave all while
wondering what could have and should have been.

Their parents and few close friends would wonder where they were and
search for a short while before giving up and continuing on with their
lives as the lesser mortal continues rocking and crying while their body
slowly shrivels up and then explodes in a fiery, fleshy, bloody
maelstrom due to that huge gas bubble that continued to grow and grow
inside their gut, wanting to be released but meeting up with strong
resistance and an ever tightening of the sphincter muscle, until it
grows to big for that shrivelling body causing that explosion and then
that lesser mortal is soon nothing but dust. Dust in the wind.

That's not me though since A) I don't know of any nearby caves and B)
When I have to fart, I fart or I could explode, or so my mama always

Now that you know that, know this: I would gladly accept the prez role
for you for the next four (or eight) years. And, I'm going to do it with
little to no money.

This means that you won't have to donate any money for my run for the
prezidency, but you can send me money just for the hell of it. I
RUN. Note how that last sentence was in all caps which means that I am
telling the truth. You can print it out and save it if you want, but
you'd just be wasting your time.

Since I won't be using any money for my run, you won't see me travelling
the country speaking in front of groups of pathetic, lonely people. This
means you won't see pictures of me holding a microphone with a fake
smile as a gaggle of the stupidest looking people on the face of the
earth stand (or sleep) behind me, holding signs with my name in big,
bold letters.

You also don't have to worry about a fucking moron passing out while I'm
giving a speech about, say, health care reform, because I won't be doing
any o' that.

If any good looking chicks want to make a video about me, well that's
all fine or good. Hell, if anyone wants to make a video about me
extolling my virtues and goodness (or lack of), go for it.

If you become a member of my team, I won't mind if you call our opponent
"monster", "bitch", "cockhead", "fuckface", "closet dyke", "fistfuck
master", etc., cause it's all good in the heat of the battle. We're
human, we can all make up and be friends at a later date.

I also won't make any promises about changing stuff because I don't want
to be blamed for forgetting about something I said I would do and then
didn't. That's just too much of a burden for me to bear and it also
probably wouldn't be fair to you.

Actually, I do have a plan to lower gas prices. That I can and will do.

Thank you for your support.


COMING NEXT: Kicking it into high gear

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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