Ted Nugent—Love Grenade
MoTW—Hook, Line and Sinker
I was making good time now, the engine wailing like a cat in heat while
the dual water-cooled intra-exhaust chrome plated super-sized gold
coated super-duper-charged titanium speckled fat sensurround magnesium
injected heat-deflecting tubes sticking out of the hood shimmered in the
I hadn't heard anything from Ducky Rubber for a few minute, so I relaxed
and watched the cactus, oaks, junipers, weeds, shredded tires, birds,
bees, ants and beetles flying by the driver window.
(Not that they were actually FLYING by the window. What I'm trying to
get across is the image of me speeding down a highway and these things
on the side of the road were there but I was passing them by really
quickly so I guess they gave the appearance of flying. Ok, you got me,
I'm actually wasting time as I try to remember what happened next, hence
the previous sentence and this one. This one too.)
"17-17, got another problem here."
"Yeah. And it's kind of….weird."
"You ready for this? You sitting down?"
"No, dumbass. I'm standing on the hood of the car, guiding the car with
a couple ropes tied to the front wheels."
"Hey, that sounds cool! Not as cool as being chased by a large cheddar
cheese wheel though."
I slammed on the brakes and the car went into a skid. It jumped the
curb, stopped skidding then skidded some more, did a complete circle and
then a couple triangles before crashing through the front door of the
worlds largest (and only) roadside antique china, glass and taco shell
Ignoring the screams of the workers and patrons along with the sound of
many items shattering and crackling, I quickly located the rear exit and
drove out, almost losing control again when I was temporarily blinded by
the sun and then I was safely back on the highway.
I then remembered what caused the near-accident I almost had just a
moment before so I slammed on the brakes and the car went into a skid.
It jumped the curb and slammed into a cactus which did nothing to stop
the forward momentum of the vehicle, but it really wasn't necessary
since the car had slowed down quite a bit because of those brake things
I had slammed on just seconds before.
And very soon after that, the car stopped.
"You there Ducky Rubber?"
"You still being chased by the cheddar cheese wheel?"
"Hold on, let me look……..Holy shit! It's getting closer! What am I
going to do? I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"
"DRIVE, DUCKY, DRIVE!!"
"I DON'T WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"OH GOD, OH GOD, OHGODOHGODOHGOD! DRIVE! DON'T LOOK BACK!"
"I'M SO SORRY I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL MADE UP I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A
CHEEZ-IT PROVING GROUNDS AND THAT'S HOW THEY REALLY MADE THEM I THOUGHT
IT WAS ALL FAKE I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW I'M SORRY I'M
SO SORRY I'M SO…."
"Hey, calm down!"
'I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, NOT THAT WAY!"
"Dude, it's cool! Mellow out, I was just messing around. Chased by a
large cheddar cheese wheel? Come on."
"Yes. It's okay. Stop crying, it's going to be okay. Okay?"
"There. One day we'll look back at this and…"
"I'M THE NIGHT RIDER!"
"Ducky, was that you?"
"IT WAS ME, THE NIGHT RIDER FOR I AM THE NIGHT RIDER WHICH IS ME!"
I dried off my tears, took my foot of the brake and headed back to the
highway as The Night Rider (that being he) continued telling us who he
was (that being The Night Rider).
COMING NEXT: Who is The Night Rider?