The One Where I Write About Important Things

Prince—Planet Earth

MoTW—The Lookout

To those that stopped by expecting the final chapter in that little
known opus of my real trip from last year, well………tough shit. For

Instead I'd rather write about something more important, something
that's grabbing the headlines every day, something that's grabbed
everyones attention.

Did you know that car tires aren't cheap? Really! I swear I'm telling
the truth.

See, I decided that it was time to get tires since the dealership said
that I had 20% of tread remaining, whatever that means.

I decided to do the right thing and get tires so I could be safe and
happy so I went online and checked out a couple local tire stores and
saw I could get good tires for about 90 bucks a pop. I was happy.

So I went to sleep Friday night and dreamt of new tires and was up
before the crack of dawn all erect and excited about getting those new

I went to the first tire store and told the tire selling guy that I
needed four new round things for my car, but none of those lavender
smelling round things, and he was all gung ho about selling me some new
rubber. (Like my slang? I know cars!)

So I showed him my vehicle and he went to his computer and typed some
stuff in and said something like this:

"Well, I can you something that's like what you have now and those run
about oh………..$186.00."

And I'm like, "Per tire?"

And he's like, "Yep."

So I went totally ballistic and karate chopped him, his co-workers and
the other waiting customers with extreme prejudice but found that didn't
do anything to lower the cost.

When he regained his senses he told me there were other options and gave
me other prices, nothing less than $160.00 because I have 17" rims
which, for some reason, makes the cost per tire higher. (Yeah, it
doesn't make sense, but read it a few times and it will. The paragraph,
not the thought process. I'm too tired to make it ''flow" and "make

Good thing the woman was with me and she suggested we go next door to
the OTHER tire place (weird that they're next door to each other, but
it's the truth, go ahead and look it up.)

So we did, but not before the tire selling guy said that he's beat their
price and if he couldn't it would be free.

And then he said, "You'll be back."


Off next door we went and the price was still about the same but he
(claimed) he would give me a deal on four Yokohama (?) tires for $679.00
which included free replacement if it ran over a child with long
fingernails causing a puncture, or a nail or something like that, plus
free rotation every 6000 miles.

So I told him I would think about it and went outside to think with a
smoke and decided (with the woman of course) that we would take this
deal. Now, she did want to go back to the other store to see if they
would beat the price, but I told her I didn't want to walk over there
through the snow and muck so the decision was made and I handed of my
keys and that was that.

Then we DID walk back to the other store in the snow and muck to pick up
her car so we could fart around while the car was getting some new
rubber (car jargon RULES!).

Now I'm $679.00 poorer and have to replace the windshield next because
there's a shitload of flying rocks on the Michigan roads, all that find
my windshield, and that crack is getting bigger and bigger every day. I
expect to pay about 900 bucks for the windshield since I learned from my
tire experience that I don't know shit about the cost of car parts, yet
I have the car-speak down pat. Weird.
And then there's the presidential election crap that's in the headlines
but I really don't care except I don't like those saps that sit behind
the hopefuls because they all look kind of retarded. They all wear
retarded clothing too. But that's another story for another day, cause
it's really not THAT important (unless you're Bob and have nothing
better to do than watch the news all day lone and feed your 18 adopted
Guatemalan children cold cereal and beans every hour on the hour).

COMING NEXT: The one where I don't write about anything important

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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