The Bush Brothers

Melissa from the USA writes:
Dear Bob, Bel,
Why is President Bush giving his brother such a bad time with oil drilling off the coast of Florida?

Well Melissa, the answer is obvious. The world believes our president to be weak. This is why suddenly every nation on the planet suddenly has the balls to oppose US wishes. So he is doing everything that he can to appear strong. This includes violating international treaties and beating up on his little brother. Boy what fun!

That reminds me of the time when my brother’s wife died, and he went right out to a bar and called me up. “Hey, come down here and buy me some drinks.” I guess he didn’t think to call me until he ran out of money.

I went. (Just to be supportive.) Only to have my wife call while I was 6 shots deep into the bar. She told me with her little annoying voice to get home pronto.

I yelled at the phone for a bit, “I am here comforting Jerry, his wife died, you know she wouldn’t let him drink or do things,” making everyone in the bar real nervous. She said I could stay as late as I wanted. I told her I loved her and would see her real soon.

Jerry is a tremendously anxious fellow. He is one of those little frenzied muscular weightlifter types with no body fat whose veins are popping out all over the place. You know the ones I am talking about. Women, mostly just those who have a taste for suffering, are extremely attracted to him. Well I guess this girl across the bar looked like she enjoyed suffering, because when I came back from the phone Jerry was over there, grabbing her by the neck and shoving his tongue down her throat. This guy sitting next to her looked angry, so I went over to help Jerry smooth things out.

Her boyfriend was surprised when he woke up alone a little later covered in urine in the back of the bar. He left without saying goodbye.

Soon after that the police came to take us to jail, we were completely bowled over. They came right out of nowhere! Tear-gassed us and everything! My brother escaped but I didn’t.

In Jail, my brother’s voice began to taunt me, reminding me of everything that had transpired between his wife and I. Man was she good in bed! I was able to repeat, word for word, our conversations. It upset the guards and the other prisoners so badly that they just couldn’t sleep that night at all.

The next day I was in front of this old, wrinkly guy that said he was a Judge. “You are a very… interesting young man.” One of the guards had taken me in to see the judge in chambers; I think he wanted me out of his jail. “Look I’ll tell you what to do the next time you see those police.”

That night I went back to the bar upset because my brother was a fugitive from justice. The police returned; one of them smiled and came up to me. Before he could speak, I said, “You policemen aren’t so bad,” just like the judge told me to say, “You know that I can hide nothing from you. If you can answer me one question, I will find my friend for you.”

“Ask your question,” the policeman replied cautiously. I scooped him up right off the floor, “Tell me how far I can throw you without killing you instantly.”

I woke up in jail again but man you should have seen the look on that cops face!

More Psycho Sermons

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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