Your Child Might Be an Idiot If He Golf’s With a Chainsaw

By Garion Bel


Outside of Saint Garion’s house the wind blows softly, trees sway this way and that, and a neighbor’s child takes an electric chainsaw out to the golf course to practice his game.  Safe on the deck Saint Garion and Ket play Scrabble.


Saint Garion waiting for Ket to make his move:  “What a fucking idiot.”


Ket:  “What?”


Saint Garion:  “Look at that kid!”


The kid swings, the chainsaw leaves his hands, and hits his mother (who was screaming at him) square in the right shoulder. 


Ket looking at the two dogs running out to help the injured mother:  “You know, it really bothers me that you don’t have to make this shit up.”


Buddha comforting the child who was already blaming himself for the fountain of blood surging from his mother’s neck, “Just tell yourself that it isn’t your fault. Being an idiot is your Way, killing… or hurting others is also your Way; it’s just something that you’re so good at that you can do it without any effort or thought whatsoever.” 


The Lord touched the mother with his nose, after lapping up some of her blood, and healed the woman instantly. 


The mother shouted, “Praise the Lord!” sprung to her feet, grabbed the child by the hair, and hauled ass.  After all she had been a devout Baptist her whole life, and was terrified of actually perceiving the will of the divine (or was just terrified of the talking dog that seems to have a thing for drinking blood).


The two dogs, the Lord and the Buddha, raced after the mother and child, pissing off a few golfers one of whom threw a club at the Lord. 


It started to rain heavily, and a perfect day for golf was ruined inexplicably.


Saint Garion said unto Ket:  “I’d better go down there and get the dogs.”


I arrived in the golf course parking lot just in time to see a different woman driving a F250 plow into a Toyota almost killing the other driver. 


The Lord and Buddha came to Saint Garion (who was now holding he can of coins and of horrible noise) and watched as this woman jumped out of her truck with her hands over her head rejoicing, “PRAISE THE LORD, THE AIR BAG SAVED ME!” 


And the Lord said unto Saint Garion:  “What the fuck? The airbag saved her?  What about the other woman?”


Ket having just arrived:  “I’m sure she’ll say she did everything according to the appropriate safety precautions and did nothing wrong.”


Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Enjoyed this? Please spread the word :)