I’m Finally Set Free Due To A Stupid Family Tragedy


MoTW—Ninja Cheerleaders

Finally the day came when the woman decided to let me out of the
basement and it only took a nasty accident for this to happen.

The woman's stepsister decided to cut the grass last week and also
decided to clear out the grass clog from the mower while it was still
running. 'Nuff said.

So the woman gets a call from her mother who's freaking out and then I
heard the door unlock and I was told that we were going to the hospital.

I discussed this with BiViD who was sad to see me go, but I left the tv
on so he wouldn't be bored and then went upstairs to take a long,
leisurely shower as the woman screamed for me to hurry up which just
made me take that much longer since that's what I do.

Plus I felt no reason to rush. Only a complete fucking idiot sticks
their hand into a running mower, so they can wait. It's a normal
occurrence in Michigan every summer for thousands of dimwits to lose
parts of their hand by not thinking. This is better than Nebraska where
millions have their heads cut off every summer since they just have to
know which way the blade turns.

I've been preaching to the people here that they should never ever stick
their hands into the blades of a running lawnmower, yet they just don't
listen. If they want to stick their hand in something I recommend a snow
blower since the blades aren't sharp, but they obviously don't listen to
me since you rarely hear of hand-in-snowblower accidents. Maybe one day
they'll get it.

Anyway, when the hot water was gone I hopped out of the shower and threw
on some brightly colored clothes since people in the hospital like
things like that and then we were off.

Of course it was pretty much a letdown at the hospital. I was expecting
her stepsister to be sitting in the waiting room as blood shot out of
the stump as she fought unconsciousness, but she was already in a room
and her fucking hand was already bandaged so I wasn't able to get a good
look. What was worse was that she didn't lose the whole hand, just a
couple fingers. Woe is me.

Since she was drugged out and looking at a bandaged hand was really
boring, I bitched and moaned until the woman fixed me with her steely
eyes and demanded that I stop acting like a child. So I did what adults
do and went outside and lit up a smooth, wholesome cigarette.

My fun was short-lived when I was suddenly tackled by some over zealous
security guards and forced to stub out the smoke since the whole fucking
grounds of the hospital were a no smoking zone.

I told the guards that this was kind of funny since there was a giant
picture of the hospitals founder in the waiting room and he was holding
a lit cigar, but they didn't find the humor in this and kicked me around
for awhile longer which was cool since I really didn't have much to do

Eventually the woman came out and I thought the fun was going to stop,
but she decided that she would join in and kicked me quite a few time
with her size 23 steel-toed boots (if she had different plumbing she'd
be HUGE) which caused the guards to cheer ecstatically.

Soon she tired of this and off we went. I recommended that we stop by
her stepsisters house to make sure the dog was ok since they don't like
it when humans lose body parts and she agreed.

When we got to the house, I told her I would stay near the car and smoke
and there wasn't a damn thin she could do about it. She accepted this,
of course, and went into the house and then I went a-hunting.

Before I left the basement, BiViD told me that he had a hankering for
some severed human body parts, so I marched over to the blood stained
mower and looked around for anything that would satisfy BiViDs need.

I found nothing laying near the mower so I turned it over and saw the
end of a finger stuck to the blade. I looked around to make sure nobody
was spying on me and then pocketed the severed finger, but not before
smelling it and taking a tiny lick, of course.

Soon after that we left and when we got home I ran downstairs, fished
the finger out of my pocket and waved it in the air so BiViD could get a
good look at the tasty morsel.

I didn't know that the woman had followed me downstairs because she
wanted "to talk", but when she saw me waving around her stepsister's
finger, she freaked out for some strange reason.

COMING NEXT: A moral dilemma: Save the finger of feed it to a God?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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