by Stephen Johnson
MoTW–Lawrence Of Arabia
Yep, it’s been awhile since I last posted.
Yep, there’s a darn good reason.
See, I was tired of sitting around, basically doing nothing but watching movies, smoking, drinking, drugging, surfing the net for softcore porn, surfing the net for hardcore porn and……wait a second. According to my spell check, “hardcore” is a word but “softcore” is not. What’s up with that? Maybe it’s “soft-core”, but I’m sticking with “softcore” because it fits right in with “hardcore”.
Let me finish my above thought rudely interrupted by “softcore” with “and other stuff”. Too many quotation marks already. I shan’t use them anymore in this here column here. Don’t want to use too many quotation marks because then you seem knowledgeable which I am not. Or am I? Maybe the overuse of quotation marks is a sign of complete knowledge? Either way, I don’t care. They’ve stopped. The quotation marks. No more here. At all. None.
So I got tired, decided to do something. Something to get me out of the house. Something that would let me be one with nature. Something that would let me be one with the outside world, as long as I didn’t have to interact with other humans. Most humans bother me. Don’t know why, they just do.
Actually, I DO know but don’t want to write about it again. I think I’ve made my displeasure known before. Maybe I haven’t. Maybe I’ve only dreamt that I have. Maybe that’s a weird thing to dream about. Maybe I’ve never dreamt that at all. Maybe I’ve dreamt that I dreamt it. Maybe I’m going places now I don’t want to go to.
While watching t.v., I’ve stumbled across those nature shows where humans integrate themselves into animal society, become accepted into that society and then when they’re least expecting it, getting torn apart and eaten by that society.
To me, that sounded liked fun. Unlike those so-called professionals though, I was going to join an animal society but I would be ever vigilant. I would bring myself protection. I would sleep with one eye opened. I wouldn’t let my guard down ever, even when I was crouched in the woods taking a healthy dump.
And yes, it would be healthy for I would eat only food that the animal society that accepted me ate. It could be bark, worms, berries, poop, garbage, grass, tin, rubber, paper, rock, scissors…..anything they ate, I would eat.
But what animal society would I integrate myself into. Looking around at our local wildlife, I had a smorgasbord of animal life just begging for a newbie to join. Plus, they all seemed friendly. If I came around they would all run away because that’s what you do when playing hide-and-seek. Look it up if you doubt me. There’s rules and running away is one of them.
After sitting outside with nature doing its thing around me, I finally came to the conclusion that I would join our backyard squirrel family. Since they do present a serious danger as well as being soft and furry, I knew that joining them would give me the best of both worlds.
So, what happened?
COMING NEXT: Yes, what happened?