Life With Squirrels

More Lunatic Ravings…

Read a new Lunatic Ravings every Saturday!

Roger Taylor–Fun On Earth

MoTW–The Lone Ranger

So it went as I prepared myself assimilate myself into squirrel culture.

I said my farewells to my loved ones. I thought this would take more time, but then I realized I really don’t have too many loved ones so it took much less time than expected. Actually, I have zero loved ones so it took no time at all.

People tried to talk me out of it, that’s for sure! I was told that it was just a waste of time and that I should be doing better things with my life. I was also told that there was this guy who decided to live with bears or something and he thought everything was going along splendidly until the night they played poker and he was accused of cheating and the bears or whatever they were tore him apart.

So, I wouldn’t bring along cards.

Next was figuring out what squirrels liked. After research on the internet, I came to the conclusion that squireely like nutty things. Grape Nuts are nutty, so says the name so I covered my body with honey and then dumped a couple of boxes of Grape Nuts on top. If there were any bears around, I would kill two birds with one stone.

Actually I’ve never tried that. The throwing rocks at birds thing. Never really had a reason. They’re not annoying. Sure, there was that one time that I was driving with the window open and something hit my jacket, something white, black and gooey and I thought it was ice cream somebody had tossed out of their car. Further taste tests revealed this was NOT ice cream. Still, that didn’t make me want to throw rocks, or even stones, at birds.

Outside I went in my Grape Nut/honey glory and I lay down in the back yard. Now the waiting game would commence. I didn’t expect the squirrels to take to me right away. It wold definitely take an hour or two, or so I thought.

Two days later, no squirrels had come close. They has seen me, though. They would hop out of the trees, dig around for awhile, stop and stare at me, and then go back to their digging. This continued for a few more days until a young squirrel decided to take the plunge.

Youngster squirrel took its time, but finally SUCCESS! It grabbed a small mouthful of Grape Nuts, then ran a little ways away. Sensing that I was a good and caring person, it came back for another mouthful. This continued for awhile until it got its full and then it ran away to its home.

I paid attention to where it went and moved closer to its home. Soon more squirrels were coming over for Grape Nut goodness. I allowed this to happen for a few more days and then I made my move.

I climbed up the tree until I found where they lived. This didn’t please them at all. Next thing I knew I was attacked by this family of squirrels, at least 50-60 of them. They flew at me, they jumped on me, they peed on me and they bit the living shit out of me.

I fell out of that tree. As I lay facedown, my skin shredded and bleeding profusely, I wondered why the fuck I decided this would be a good thing to do. Then I passed out.

When I woke up, I was in a hospital, attached to many different machines. Every hour or so a nurse would come in a jam this incredibly long needles into my stomach. Don’t know why, I think they were just being mean. Skin from my ass was stripped off and then grafted onto the places where my skin was horribly shredded. Then they discovered they had taken too much skin off my ass so they had to graft skin there. It was mostly possum skin as well as a bit of deer. Whatever they could find lying by the side of the road, they grafted it to my ass. 

After a few months of this, I was discharged. I am now back in society. I am one. I am nature. I am one with nature. I have possum and deer skin covering my ass.   

I’m so embarrassed. I hope nobody finds out.

COMING NEXT: I bought a light, but the cord wasn’t long enough?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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