Heaven & Hell—The Devil You Know
Amusingly, my post from a couple weeks might have crossed the line and
went a little bit too far.
It's driven Bob to write poetry, which I guess all goateed fucks do
after awhile anyway. I actually saw him walking down the hallway a few
days ago, snapping his fingers like a drug-addled beatnik. All he was
missing was a beret.
Hell, I even got a few emails about the subject:
"Hi, I'm Bob's neighbor. Is that his real name? Sounds made up to me. He
was working in his yard and I started making animal noises. He dropped
his pants and bent over and started shrieking. Weird stuff."
"Leve Bob alone. He my frend. I like him. He treets me rite. Not you.
You are evel."
"What's weird about that? Doesn't it happen to everybody that lives in
Nebraska at least once in their life?"
From Aka Aka Oopooh:
"You want a good deal on a web host? We guarantee to increase you're
traffic by millions!
Also, please leave Bob alone. He's my sponsor and I can't survive
without his monthly donation of 35 cents."
"That really happened? And I thought we had no secrets."
So with those and the numerous others I received, it seems that I might
have went overboard, causing Bob a lot of distress from people connected
Thinking about it, I guess I did go too far and should issue yet
Wait a second.
It wasn't the post from a couple weeks ago where I possibly went too
far. It was something else.
Last week I finished reading a very interesting book about Black Metal
and the occult and decided that, since I sometimes listened to that type
of music, I might as well try my hand at some of that occult stuff.
I went to the basement and put Venom in the CD player and then lay down
on the couch trying to figure who I would put my belief in.
Instead of going with Satan or Gandalf, I decided to come up with my own
deity, something that I could channel all my beliefs in, something shiny
After a few minutes of music and deep thought, I found my new god:
As everyone knows, when you come up with a new god, you must dance for
them, so I stripped down to my underoos and did so, since that would
While I slam danced against the air, my arms waving around madly and the
snot flying out of my nose, I started chanting "GRANNY FANNY NANNY MANNY
DANNY!" over and over again.
The lights began to flicker and I felt this sudden power overtake me. I
then noticed what looked like a rag across the room and danced over to
it. Picking it up I noticed it was wet with red paint so I danced,
chanted and squeezed the rag over my head, welcoming the drops that
found their way into my mouth as if they were the finest wine or Kool
I squeezed the rag dry and threw it on the ground and then started to
dance more intensely as the paint entered my system giving me even more
power and the lights still flickered on and off and I was one with BiViD
and then I knew that all would bow down to me and the world would be
The lights stopped their flickering as the woman ran down the stairs.
"What's with all the noise? What in the hell are you doing in your
underwear? Did you drink all that Mountain Dew? OH MY GOD, DID YOU TAKE
THAT TAMPON OUT OF THE GARBAGE?"
I slowed my dancing because something seem so very wrong. She looked at
me as if I was a freak and then ran upstairs and slammed the door shut.
I shrugged off her intrusion and couldn't figure out what was seemingly
so wrong moments before and picked up the pace of the dance and began
Finally after 20 more minutes of this the album stopped and I sat down
on the couch in all my sweaty glory. I figured I had formed a bond with
BiViD and we would soon be all powerful.
Feeling thirsty I went upstair only to find that the door would not
open. Something was blocking the door so I pounded on it and hooted and
hollered for awhile. Finally the woman answered with her famous "What?"
I told her I was thirsty and needed something to drink and a smoke, but
she said she wouldn't let me out of the basement because I was acting
really, really strange.
I chuckled at this and explained what I was doing, how BiViD and I were
going to become one and take over the world. She wouldn't accept my
explanation and said that I would be staying down in the basement until
I got my head straight (which, we both agreed, would probably be
I accepted this since a new god is scary for some. She's also a devout
Catholic since she goes to church twice a year (Easter and Christmas) so
it would take time for her to accept my undying loyalty to BiViD.
Plus I figured staying in the basement wasn't too bad since I had
everything I needed, except food, but my dancing and chanting to BiViD
would probably supply this.
But would BiViD supply smokes? I pondered this as I walked down the
And was that really NOT a rag and was that really NOT red paint?
COMING NEXT: More of this and that