I got a nasty email from someone associated with this site asking why I
hadn't submitted anything new for the last few weeks.
Since I'm paid quite handsomely for every mini-opus I submit, I couldn't
tell him the truth so I lied and made up some shit about how I was busy
rescuing burning orphans from a candy factory while combating explosive
diarrhea only to be abducted by a cult of thugs wearing tinfoil hats who
followed the teachings of smooth jazz artists.
Of course that's not the real truth since I was out getting drunk a
couple weeks ago and didn't feel like writing anything that made sense
and then last week I had to spend some time with the authorities who
wanted to know the real reason why I was trying to ship a cigar-chomping
midget to Nebraska.
(Yes, it's true. Even though he was my new best friend I still had to
get rid of him because there's only so long you can keep a midget
chained to you back porch before the neighbors start asking questions
and looking at you in that strange way.)
So with that and my run for the presidency, I've been busy. Oh, and then
I've also been planning my annual road trip next month which has taken a
good amount of time as well.
This year I've decided that we would be driving through Pennsylvania,
first to Centralia (supposedly there's a big gash in the earth there,
spewing fire and the hounds of hell), then to Gettysburg (I think that's
where a huge battle took place in WWII or The Crusades, I get those
mixed up all the time) and then to Hershey (where there's a major
highway) with a bunch of small stops on the way, including every rest
area we come across so I can empty out my cup o' pee.
Maybe we'll stop at an Amish village where I can learn how to churn
butter in a provocative way since I like to learn new things. I did have
to make a concession to stop at some large outlet mall near Pittsburgh
since women like that shit, but that's a small price to pay for a few
days on the road loaded with Pepsi Max and Diet Dew. So loaded I get the
shakes. Fun shit.
Some of you might be asking where the final chapter of My Real Trip of
'07 is especially now that I've made plans for this years trip. Well,
it's coming. I just been holding onto it, waiting for the right time to
spring it on a unsuspecting public but I can pretty much guarantee that
you'll see it before "Chinese Democracy" comes out.
For those that missed it, go to the archives and check it out. It's like
a big Hollywood movie gone seriously wrong and under budget. It's like
"The Road Warrior" + "Smokey and the Bandit" – 'Sisterhood of the
Travelling Pants" on crack, which = a bunch of nonsensical drivel. It's
like a huge steaming pile of monkey poo which, as everyone knows, is the
COMING NEXT: Five mice