House of the Damned Woman

Various Artists—“Back Against the Wall”

MoTW—“Critters 4”

The house I live in is also home to a malevolent presence.

The presence let itself be known when I decided that it was time for a
new vehicle. I had been set on getting the new Mustang, but the lady of
the house thought that would be silly since our automobile insurance
would go up. I decided to follow her reasoning and began to look

Keeping it in the Ford family, I looked at what other modes of
transportation they would be able to offer me. Immediately out were and
mini-vans, trucks, SUVs and those enormously large cars.

I also had to factor in snow, so that left out anything Mazda had to
offer (even though I like the RX8). Land Rover was out. Jaguar was out
because of the hefty price. Lincoln was out for the same reason as the
Jaguar plus they only believe in building gargantuan vehicles. Volvo
didn’t have anything that caught my eye.

So, that left me with Ford and Mercury.

A couple weeks ago we were at the Lincoln/Mercury dealer for an oil
change and other assorted business and I had the chance to wander their
lot. Now, they did have a 2002 Jaguar for 17k, but it had 35,000 miles
so that option, though tempting, was out.

One car that caught my eye was the Mercury Montego. It’s mid-size, looks
alright and comes with AWD. That peaked my interest even though it
wasn’t sporty enough. No matter, safety first, etc., etc.

Then I saw a 2006 Mercury Milan. Another mid-size, this was much
sportier than the Montego and was much cheaper. I set my mind on this
vehicle and began doing some online research when I got home.

Okay, maybe research is the wrong word. And I didn’t do this “research”
until a few days later, but I did go to the Mercury website and I built
a nifty Milan and, lo and behold, the one I built was at that same
dealership where I had first discovered this car.

So, this past Saturday we went to the dealership to check out the
vehicle, plus ask for info on the Milan. Sure enough, the vehicle I had
built was there and the woman thought it was quite nifty.

The salesman came over and that’s when the
evil entity took over. An hour later, my chickadee had a Milan wrapped
up in a 2 year pre-paid lease and I was sitting there with absolutely
nothing. Luckily she couldn’t pick up the black Milan currently at the
lot since it had already been sold (Which we were told after we took it
for a test drive. I pity the new owner since we put a couple more miles
on the odometer. Oh well.), but she was kind-hearted enough in her cold
black heart to tell the salesman that she wanted a dark blue Milan
instead of a black one since having two black cars in our
driveway/garage, just wouldn’t be right. Regretfully they didn’t
currently have the exact model she was looking for, but they would have
it by Tuesday of this week, so I guess I got a bit of payback, kind of

After she was done inserting the shiny, cold blade a little deeper in my
back, we left the lot and I immediately headed to a Ford dealership and
checked out a nifty Mustang. She kept trying to lead me towards the
Focus because of the gas mileage and crap, but I wouldn’t have none of
that and let her know that the Focus was a chick car and there was no
way I was even going to think about it. That shut her up but good for 10
minutes or so.

Now I’m sitting here wondering where it all went wrong, trying to figure
out how something so innocent could turn out to be so dark and evil.
Luckily, Halloween is only a couple weeks away and I have a
do-it-yourself exorcism kit sitting in the back of the hall closet. Any
screams the neighbors hear can be easily explained as me just testing
out my newest scary sound effects CD.

COMING NEXT: Crates o’ mail

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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