Vacation spots in Florida can be annoying because of the bugs, the pervasive heat, and angry locals, but this last trip to Saint Augustine was quite pleasant. We stayed in a Bed and Breakfast which meant that we had a luxurious room and a hot tub but very little in the way of privacy. I’m not sure what bothered us more about the place; the creepy little man from Wisconsin that owned it and would come in to “change” the towels, or the fact that we had to suffer the imposition of having to eat breakfast with two other couples. The food was good, but the conversation was awkward and forced, and while I enjoyed naming the sins of the others at the table and making the British guy cry, we will never do that again.
The place we stayed was within walking distance of Saint George Street (that’s where the bars were) so we did a lot of walking. I mention the walking special like ‘cause people just assume I was drinking when I tell a story. Anyway the drinking came naturally but the walking took some effort since it isn’t something we normally do. We made a point to have a beer in every bar. All the folks were friendly so we felt obliged to stay and have another, and another, fearing our return to the room and the little man from Wisconsin.
One of the Bars, Taberna del Gallo (Tavern of the Rooster), was my very favorite. It was a single room stone structure open to the night with a porch and some tables out back surrounded by a stone wall. The structure didn’t have any lights inside aside from candles and I even saw a mouse walking around in the back when I was drinking outside. I don’t know why the little mouse pleased me as much as it did but there I was, feeding it jerky and talking to it until my enchanting paramour came and pulled me out of the dirt.
After we were extremely hammered (that’s Spanish for drunkasshit), we went on a ghost tour and were thoroughly disappointed that no one else could see any of the ghosts. One of them was this Spanish Soldier who told me he didn’t have a problem guarding our room that night from the scary little fuck in the Bed and Breakfast. I was convinced that that little fucker had a camera in our room and that at some point during the night our towels would need “changing”. When I asked the ghost if there was anything he wanted in return he suggestively mentioned that sometimes he possesses men so that he can get drunk and have sex with women. He admitted that scaring the shit out of the man I described might be fun too, but he wanted to get laid.
Then God suggested that he go and enter the little guy and come out for a few drinks with us, and since the suggestion came from God he considered it. He could drink, he would get to horrify the little fuck, and since God offered to do the talking, he would definitely get laid. After drinking with the mouse, watching God and a Spanish soldier attempting to share the body of this old Wisconsin guy was kind of boring. So my enchanting paramour and I snuck back to the room to enjoy some drunken privacy.
