Unforgiving Chili of Indeterminate Gas and Nauseous Nightmares

By Saint Garion Bel

As I was wondering the coast of Florida last weekend I ran across a group of women drinking tequila… with sprees… and hidden cucumbers… I paused for a moment and peered into their minds. They were doing math in their heads. My curiosity was peaked so I approached the group. The Lord hates the beach and was convinced that we were going back to the car, so when we changed direction he let out one of his little disappointed puppy sighs. They ignored my approach, some group of guys down the beach had just told them that they were good looking for ‘older’ women and they were giving the boys an earful. Then the Lord, who loves everyone, noticed we were walking towards people and perked up.

And the Lord said unto the women, “Hello,howareyou?I’mtheLord.Youshouldpetme!Payattentiontome!”

And the women ran from the talking dog but there was one that was too drunk to run, or stand. She was in fact so drunk that she feared that she was hallucinating, or about to fall off of the beach. The Lord offered to heal her and she accepted.

St. Garion: “Are you ok?”

Strange Woman That Lay on the Beach slowly gathered her thoughts and slurred at no one in particular, “You interrupted us; we were formulating the Top 10 list…”

St. Garion: “Oh, um, ok, so that’s what you were doing, of course… What’s the top 10 list?”

After some haggling she said that if the Lord would go introduce himself to those “fuck rude fuck bastards” that referred to them as ‘older’ that she would email us an explanation of this mysterious Top 10 List.

It was her artful use of the word fuck that now has her being considered for sainthood by God. But apparently it’s a three way vote and the Lord is constantly distracted, and the Holy Spirit is off being dark and mysterious most of the time.

Here is what she sent in to our webmaster.

Oh, I’ll have to tell you about the chili later.

Top 10 List

As a rule, a woman will not tell a guy that he’s on the Top 10 list. The reason is that he will want to know how he got on the list – and how he can move up in the rankings.

What is the Top 10 list you ask? Well, if you ask, you definitely harbor lots of testosterone, because estrogen based life forms are born with the innate knowledge of what the top 10 list is, and the formula. The list is formed when a group of estrogen based life forms gather in a beachside area with tequila and rubber bands. It’s the list of whom, of our colleagues, we would do, if you know what I mean…

I have debated long and hard on if I should betray my aloof race and share the formula. With promises of ‘special favors’, I have decided to help the weaker race. I mean, what fun is it to change the rules if you guys never even get close to the answer? So, here it is. If you’re a man, you might need a calculator. If you’re a woman (or a feminine man) all you require is some Sprees, chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, and a cucumber.

Top 10 Formula:

(BF + FLF + HF) X NF

(BF) Boolean Factor Formula = Total BF / 10
Points No/Yes
Is he legal? 0/1
Has he said ‘Size doesn’t matter’ 1/0
Would he get attached if I did him? 1/0
Is he hairy? 1/0
Is he Chewbacca hairy? 0/-1
Does he have all his teeth? 0/1
Does he have a gold tooth? 1/0
Is he married? 1/0
Is there a girlfriend factor? 0/0
Is he too ‘pretty’ 1/0
Does he have long fingernails? 1/0
Is he an idiot? 1/-4

(FLF) Fuzzy Logic Factor Formula: = Total FLF/ 25
Each of these is on a sliding scale. 0 – 5 points assigned as agreed upon by the group doing the evaluating.

1. Imagined Package size
2. During Sex, Would he know that someone else is in the room?
3. Would he spoon feed you ice cream in bed after sex?
4. How long would he last?
5. Voice quality (Smooth and mellow, or creepy like that uncle who wants you to sit on his lap)

(HF) Hottie Factor Formula: Total HF / 7
One point for each ‘Yes’

1. Does his smile make you drool?
2. Dimples (anywhere)
3. Hair style: Does it work?
4. Muscle definition?
5. Would he look good in a tux?
6. Is the ass squeezable?
7. Would your lesbian friends think he’s hot?

(NF) Normalization Factor = 19/23. This means, out of 23 women, 19 think he’s doable. Don’t argue with this – it’s just the facts. We round to .8261.

So, with this formula there’s a possible range of -.413 to 2.478. Now, I can’t completely betray the greater race by interpreting the results. That’s where the Sprees, chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream and a cucumber come in “handy”.

Now, you might be wondering, what if there’s a tie – what if you have 11 in the top 10 range, or only 3. You are dumb-ass aren’t you. Then it’s the Top 11 List or the Pitiful 3.

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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