Funky Boy Goes Shopping

The Bus Boys—Boys Are Back In Town


I guess to some people it's a joke my car got hit by an errant mattress.
I guess the same people think that it's funny that I've been in such a
funk since the accident. They probably think it's a laugh riot that I've
been wearing the same short-sleeved pajamas I picked up that fateful
day, not bothering to wash them since I've been in such a horrible funk.

Yeah, go ahead and laugh at my misery. Jokes on you though since I had
to take them off this past Saturday because I was forced to go back to
Penney's so I could pick up "suitable" clothing for an upcoming wedding.

I fought and fought leaving the safety of the basement, but lost. I did
get some satisfaction by not bothering to apply any deodorant, but that
was a very, very small victory since no foul smell emanated from my

My next option was to act like a spoiled brat while at the store, which
I did with much gusto. She showed me a tie and my answer was a whining

She picked up a shirt and I whined some more. Dress pants? More whining.
Hell, I even took it a step further and whined at the salesperson when
she tried to convince me try on some dress slacks, but then I waved a
couple pairs of Dockers in front of her face which made her shut up and
retreat as if I was some sort of loon.

I claimed I was going to bring back Miami Vice fashion by wearing an
untucked shirt with no tie under a sports jacket. I figured this would
get some sort of chuckle from fellow shoppers, but not one of them
seemed to notice which sucked for me.

Then I lost my mind and couldn't remember if I actually had a dressy
type jacket at home so I started trying some on which caused the
salesperson to come scurrying back since I was failing in trying to find
the right fit. Luckily for us she was an expert and in no time I had a
jacket that fit perfectly, or so she and my little chickadee said.

The conversation turned back to the tie thing and back to whining mode I
went until I used the old "I've got plenty of ties at home!" bit which
caused that topic to die right there. Only problem is that I don't know
where those ties are and I think there's maybe three I've accumulated
over my many years, not including the one with the outline of human
bodies and the yellow "Police Line Do Not Cross" ribbons since that
seems like a type of tie not to wear to something as dignified as a

I made my purchases and we were out of there, but not before passing the
shoe department, but really no argument there since I have shoes. Maybe
not in the best shape, but she doesn't know that (yet) and they're
mighty comfortable.

So it was back to the old homestead where I quickly took of my outside
clothing and put back on my pj's. I'm still in the basement, don't
intend on leaving (unless I have to pee) until next week when it's the
wedding in clothes I'll probably hate when I really look at them. And
then there's the issue of the wedding reception where there'll be NO

What the fuck? How do people expect me to come out of my shell with shit
like that?

COMING NEXT: How I survived a reception with no alcohol. (HINT: It's
probably wit an illegal substance)

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

6 thoughts on “Funky Boy Goes Shopping

  1. The one I’ve been wearing is white with stripes. Red, blue and green. The other one is darker, I should be wearing that one really since stains show up but good on white stuff.-Stephen

  2. With about 15 lbs of ditch weed, you could get a light buzz and it would be free!

    I like free!

  3. Sadly, there isn’t any ditch weed around here. Don’t know, maybe it’s a Michigan thing, they might use it to put in their rhubarb pie?-Stephen

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