Drinking with Jesus

Last night we were invited to a house warming party where I, using my super power, got everyone who doesn’t normally drink, or believes themselves incapable of drinking, completely trashed. During the party we exchanged some drinking stories, and I told the group of the time when in college I drank so much that I passed out in the shower.

Helpless from the poison that my lesbian roommate fed me at the time, I collapsed to the floor, and was completely incapable of even reaching my arm up to turn down the hot water that was scalding my flesh. I vomited something black of course, more than once, and spent some time considering how it looked on my legs.

Then my ass plugged the shower drain. The room flooded over the course of about an hour. And since we were in a large apartment building the fucking hot water never ran out. I was missed at the party at about the same that the water was noticed on the floor outside the bathroom.

There was a heavy wood door on the bathroom that I had locked for some damn reason, so the laughing drunk lesbians had to figure out how to get through to free me and turn off the water. One of them thought I was in danger or dead and called for me through the door. I answered, “I’m fine, I just can’t move, my ass has plugged the drain, and the water is really fucking hot.” Then I added, “How are you? Are you naked? I am.” I didn’t want to tell them about the black ooze.

They finally broke the door down. Lesbians usually keep a drill around the house. I don’t fucking know why.

They laughed at me for a bit before they scooped me up. They say that they heard my ass make a suction noise when they removed it from the drain. They also say that I was perfectly fine sleeping in the bottom of the shower, snuggling up into the rock hard corner on the floor.

Everyone liked my story and the party went on, other people told stories, and the women started hitting on each other, so it was a good time.

About an hour or two after relating my story, I went into the bathroom to take a piss. Standing over the toilet I reasoned, “I need water, but if I drink any, I’m going to throw up that cheese dip… I should get into the shower.” And then history repeated itself. I turned on the water, sat in the tub, I realized the water was too hot, and passed out. The bathroom flooded, my girlfriend discovered me, and I threw up some cheese that somehow I had transformed into a black ooze monster that winked at me on its way down the toilet. This time the monster had tits, so I guess that’s an improvement.

God, I explained to my hosts, is a sick fucker with one hell of a sense of humor. I was worried that because of the sick fucker’s practical joke that we would not be invited back. But they say they will, they’ll just watch me more closely and buy a camera. God bless those fuckers.


Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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