This week’s article is late and I’ll tell you why: I have been completely uninspired. But a few minutes ago…

God the Father Spoke In The Head of Saint Garion: “Hey, I’ll bet you that Ket’s girl is knocked up.”

Saint Garion: “By Ket? Holy Shit! What the fuck? How?”

God: “Yes – That means they had sex.”

Saint Garion: “But don’t they use protection?”

God: “Yes, but the Lord’s work cannot be halted by 2 condoms, with spermicidal lubricant. Besides, after the tree thing I felt like I owed him one… or two.”

I realized that God wasn’t kidding around and called Ket, who confirmed that the voice in my head is the almighty, all-knowing, mountain god.

Ket: “My boys are strong, and yes she is pregnant.”

Saint Garion: “HOLY SHIT, I have to tell everyone.”

And God Continued (as is his divine way): “So the soul isn’t actually there yet, they could kill it.”

Ket: “So if you’re talking to God I’m gonna hang up.”

Saint Garion: “I don’t think they’ll do that, they want eleven-teen kids. AND I’m surprised that you even brought that shit up. Why would they want to do kill the unborn children?”


And God Spoke the Truth unto Saint Garion: “Until a human child is pubescent, they don’t have a soul; they’re just animals. Like pets they can be trained, fed according to a diet that you prefer, and put to sleep if found disagreeable.”

Saint Garion: “…”

God: “Of course at puberty they get their soul, so they suddenly have opinions and know everything. Most are damned, this isn’t original sin; it’s just that they’re… well teenagers.”

And Saint Garion Said Unto His God: “I am never having kids.”

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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