Cramming in Some Parts and Pieces

Cheap Trick—“Rockford”

MoTW—“Mysterious Skin”

I consulted the book of directions included with the Erector set and
decided that I really didn’t need to build a helicopter (with movable
rotors!) or a windmill (with a movable windmill blade thingy!). I needed
to think outside the box and come up with something yanked from deep
within my brain, something totally unlike the gun I built (with no
movable parts).

Checking the clock I noticed that I had a few hours before my curfew so
I snuck out of the house, jumped on my bike and went down to Tom’s

Without going in too much detail, I explained that I needed help yanking
ideas from the inner recesses of my mind. He handed me a joint, I gave
him a couple bucks and back home I went.

Making sure nobody was out and around doing some late afternoon lawn
care, I sat under a tree in the side yard and lit up.

Feeling quite allright, I entered the house and carefully made my way to
my room. When I made it safely, I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes
waiting for the ideas to come pouring forth.

They never did, but I didn’t care.

I lay there for a few more minutes feeling very happy and content and
then decided to do something with the doll and Erector set parts.

I started attaching metal parts to metal parts with the nuts and bolts.
My thumb and forefinger became raw from tightening the nuts, but I
didn’t care nor did I feel it.

At 7 pm my door was locked from the outside. I didn’t care.

I continued working for hours until I figured I was done. I looked at
what I had built and couldn’t figure out what it was. No matter, I
attached the motor flicked the “ON” switch and…….nothing.

That’s because I forgot to put D batteries in the motor.

I laughed as I dug out some batteries and put them in the motor. Then I
flicked the “ON” switch and it worked.

I stuffed the contraption and motor into Mrs Beasley’s head and
reattached the top of her head. For a few minutes I heard nothing but
the little motor working away, and then I heard a small cry.

I bent down and her eyes suddenly got this really strange look. Then,
one of her arms shot up and embedded itself in my left nostril while the
other arm shot up and the little hand grabbed and hung onto my left

“Would you like to have some tea with me?” she asked as her hand
squeezed my eyeball.

“Fuck no!” I replied.

“Very well,” she sighed and let go of my eyeball.

With her one arm still embedded in my nostril because I thought it
actually felt quite nice, I explained what I needed her to do. Even
though she kept asking about stuff to do with tea and biscuits I felt
that she was totally receptive to my ideas.

Without removing her arm I lay down and slowly drifted off to sleep as
the motor inside her head gently purred.

COMING NEXT: Father? (yes, son) I want to…

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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