A Crackwhore Price Guide

Opeth—“Ghost Reveries”

MoTW—“House of Games”

If you haven’t done so already, please visit www.redcross.org and make a
donation to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina. Any amount helps
and it only takes a few minutes of your time.


I actually took the time to watch “Nine Lives” starring Paris Hilton
this past week. Happily, she died within the first 30 minutes, so I
didn’t waste 90 minutes of my life. Sadly, the actual killing wasn’t
shown just the aftermath which wasn’t bloody enough. Actually, no actual
stabbings, which is the was way that everyone was offed, were shown.
Don’t know why it was rated R if they couldn’t show me copious amounts
of gore, but that’s the way it goes. No nudity either. Don’t know why
I’m telling you this either, maybe you’re a sucker for R rated movies
with very little violence and no nudity and I’m trying to help you pick
the next DVD to add to your Netflix queue.

Maybe this is leading into something else.

Nope, it’s not.

But, Dave H. from Henderson, NV thinks he has a great idea. According to
Dave, crackwhores are a thing of the past, making Crackwhore Village a
thing of the past, kinda like Quisp cereal.

He thinks the next big thing would be Cialis Village. I don’t know of
this would work since Crackwhore Village appeals to both women and men.
Yes ladies, there are male crackwhores in the Crackwhore Village and
they’re cheap!

For those that have seen the prices of the female crackwhores in the
village, you know how affordable and cheap the men are. Considering that
the women are also affordable and cheap, consider how REALLY affordable
and cheap the men would be.

Here’s a price comparison between a male crackwhore and female


25 y/o, looks 38 y/o. Greasy hair, legs unshaven, clean armpits. Showers
at least twice a week. Will supply glow-in-the-dark condoms because she
likes bright floating colors. Minimal scabs, those she does have
guaranteed to not fall off during your session.
Little to no genital warts, crabs usually dormant if she sits in hot tub
of water for 10+ minutes. Will take bath before session as long as
reservations are made at least 35 minutes beforehand.

PRICE: $2.73 per 25 minutes OR $3.00 per hour


30 y/o, looks 63 y/o. Greasy hair, greasy beard. Bathes maybe once a
week. Will supply plastic wrap and rubber bands if no condoms are
available. Many open, running sores which can ooze and drip during your
session unless they’re coated with Krazy Glue. No hint of crabs but has
small case of head lice. Will wear baseball hat during session for those
scared of lice.

PRICE: $1.83 per 45 minutes OR $1.87 per hour.

As you can see, both are very affordable with the male crackwhore coming
very cheap. Yes, there are more expensive male and female crackwhores,
but the prices above reflect the average price of a male/female

With Cialis Village, it would mostly appeal to women with very limited
male clientele unless there were women who wanted to whore themselves
out to Cialis induced men, but then they would charge high rates since
they wouldn’t be crackwhores, just normal whores.

Plus I wouldn’t feel comfortable opening a village consisting of men
with blood engorged members wandering around trying to hump every open
hole in site.

Crack is also cheaper than Cialis which helps keep operating expenses in
check, plus crackwhores are just as happy in an empty refrigerator box
as they are in a tent or empty boxcar.

Crackwhores can also get by on minimal food, no transportation or sleep.
The same can’t be said for those on Cialis, so the obvious way to go is
the crackwhore way. As they say, “Once you’ve gone crackwhore, you won’t
want anything more”.

COMING NEXT: Pulling mussels from the crates.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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