By Bob Senitram
Thinking up the nonsense, and then some…
Hopalong, aka Stephen burst thru the door with a gun pointed at the head of Bob’s trainer from the academy.
“Nameless trainer guy, wwwwwwww-what are you doing here?” Bob says, surprised.
“You think Benson would trust your sorry ass in this case! He sent me down to make sure you didn’t screw up! Because you’re a screw up, you’ve always been a screw up and you’ll always be a…”
BANG-BANG-BANG!
Hopalong, aka Stephen, shoots the trainer in the head.
“Damn, nobody does it like that anymore.” Bob comments.
“No one talks to my friend Bob like that but me.” Stephen turns toward Bob, “He’s right you know, you really are a screw up.”
“Really? You had to shoot him?”
“Just felt like it, I guess.” Stephen replies.
“Now what are we gonna do about this body?”
“Usually, I just throw ’em in the river.”
“Usually? You are Hopalong Hank!” Bob says, pretending to be surprised.
“Surprise!” Stephen says proudly. “I was hoping to surprise you. Were you surprised?”
“Ya, I still can’t believe it.” Bob pretends.
“Good! Hey, I have a question?”
“I have a few myself, but go ahead…”
“What’s with the stupid nickname?”
“Buffalo Bill was already taken. Ya know, now that I think about it, I think the only way out of this story is for me to help you. I mean, we’ve been friends since we were kids.”
“That’s the least you could do. I have no idea why you dragged me into this stupid parody of yours. Besides, it’s already been done. ‘Silence of the Hams’ was made 30 years ago.”
“Really?” Bob was shocked that this parody wasn’t the first.
“Really.” Stephen confirms.
“Ok, then it’s settled. We end this now, before we get sued.”
“Ya, right…it’s too late for that.” Stephen mutters under his breath.
“I’ll help on one condition…You gotta quit killing people.”
“I’ll think about it.” Stephen replies giving Jennifer the stink eye.
“No, you’re not killing her!” Bob says, stepping between Stephen and Jennifer.
Bob’s attention turns toward Jennifer, “You didn’t see anything….right?”
“Um, sure, I’m just a deaf, dumb and blind kid…” She replies.
“Perfect, I’ll take Jennifer to the police and say you got away. Dump the Body and meet me here…” Bob writes down the address of his hotel.
Stephen turns toward the girl, “Mums the word…”
Jennifer gives a forced smile.
“Good.” Bob replies. “Stephen, I can let you live in my basement for a few years until the coast is clear. Then you’re on your own.”
“Sounds like a plan. Hey, do you mind if I dig a hole in the basement.”
“No, no more creepy holes to dump people in.”
“I mean a pee hole, in case you got company and I really gotta go.”
“Why don’t you just save an empty liter of soda and do the pee-pee in that?”
Stephen thinks a moment, “Hmmmm. I could save the bottles of pee just like Howard Hues…”
“We’ll talk about it.” Bob replies.
Bob takes Jennifer back to his car and calls back. “Hey Stephen, what’s with the talking dog.”
Stephen yells back while dragging the body, “It’s not really a dog, I think his name is Smellnoze or somethin’. He’s working behind the scenes…what-ever that means.”
“Behind the scenes? But this is just a story. What-ever.” Bob replies.
“Wha-wever.” The dog replies.
Bob looks at the dog.
The dog looks back at Bob, smiling with his tongue hanging out.
And so Stephen met Bob at the hotel and they rented a car and drove back to Bob’s place.
Bob got fired from the FBI because Hopalong, aka Stephen got away.
Stephen lived in Bob’s basement for two years and stopped killing people. By the way, he did dig a pee hole without Bob’s permission, but it was mostly used by the dog…mostly.
Bob’s basement became the future headquarters for a slightly popular website when the Spamrider appeared and requested a column so he could write coded messages to his past self.
The pee hole stink haunts Bob to this very day.
We still don’t know why Spamrider gave Stephen the talking dog-thing or what it’s doing.
And Jennifer?
She was so traumatized from the incident, that she really did become a deaf, dumb and blind kid.
But she sure plays a mean pinball.
AND KNOW YOU KNOW!!!
But you probably wish you didn’t…
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: Satellite of Love…
Now that you know how this story ends, find out how it started! Chapter 1
Crap Considered is posted each Friday.
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