By Bob Senitram
Just some guy who never expected to write a weekly column…
After the conclusion of “The Squealing of the Pigs,” Stephen, being the bastard that he is, commented, “You just want to fill the world with silly stories.”
Well, I took issue to that comment.”
Then I thought about it, and there’s so much going on with the world today, maybe I should write something other than silly stories?
I turned on the tele’ flipped thru channels to clear my mind. I watched it for a little while, I love to watch things on TV.
Then I thought, “huh, I could write about TV.”
But I don’t watch the new shows on TV. Just Sci-Fi B-movies and a few shows that catch my interest. I haven’t the slightest idea if those shows are new or old.
But then again, I write a weekly column and I’m not a writer. I never studied writing styles, grammar, or anything else for that matter.
I just like to bullshit.
And true to the art of bull-shittery, I concluded I am perfectly qualified to write about modern day television.
A while back I got rid of cable and turned to free streaming TV. I didn’t like the idea of spending a couple of hundred bucks a month to spend 20 disappointing minutes flipping through channels when I can do that for free.
I thought about buying one of those giant screen TV’s. The new one’s have streaming built in. But, when you turn it on, you have to wait for the little computer-thing inside to boot up. That leads to wait time.
I got a half cooked frozen dinner in the microwave and the cat just threw up. I can’t wait for a TV-computer to turn on!
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Nope, I’ll stick to my non-computerized TV that I bought in 2009.
Then I saw an ad for a streaming box that gives you every subscription known to man. I thought, “Hey, that sounds really nice. And it sticks to my budget of nothing.”
If your thinking the same thing, think again, you pirate!
I decided to google it before I gave my credit card number to Tumu.
Those bargain electronics have hidden code inside that uses your internet for stuff I don’t wanna know about. Then you got illegal spam ware shooting out code from your location. Sounds like an invitation to get arrested or to ship personal information to China.
Too much sneakiness, I’ll just follow the pay to play rules.
Speaking of streaming.
Everything was working according to plan, then my internet went from top notch to no-notch. That crappy service started playing hooky more than a drug addicted teen-ager.
Ten years ago it was the best of the best. But the company got sold, and now? Not so much.
Then it just up and died.
I called customer service, and they asked, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
“Gee, thanks Roy. I didn’t think of that.”
I asked the guy to stay on the line while I shut it off and on again.
He said ok, then hung up.
Apparently English isn’t his primary language.
That didn’t work so I called back and they said they would do a reset on their end.
That didn’t work.
I called again and they said the new companies service was incompatible with my modem and scheduled a service call a week later.
Great.
A week of no internet, TV, and connecting my PC to my lousy cell phone wi-fi.
So I went to a satellite internet company, bought a satellite box and set it up in 15 minutes.
Boom, internet. Then I cancelled the old service.
So all is good now, right?
Of course not.
The satellite company had black out periods at least once a day and sometimes it got so slow I couldn’t even watch my beloved TV.
I figured, give it time. Maybe it’ll get better.
Several months later, I’m still connecting my work computer to my cell phone’s wi-fi between the hours of 2 and 4pm because apparently, that’s when my satellite decides to take a break.
My initial response was to go to the garage, grab a hammer and have my own smash-room. That satellite box will be the star of the show.
But the ‘ol lady, who’s primary job is to stop me from doing stupid stuff, told me to call customer service.
So I did.
The operator said, “Sounds like you need our new high-speed fiber internet.”
Being the gullible idiot that I am, I said, “Hey, that sounds pretty nice…”
Now I have high-speed fiber internet.
The mobile company let me keep the satellite account active at no cost as a backup.
Now the satellite internet box I wanted to dump in the river with a pair of cement overshoes, is my emergency internet.
“Huh, life is funny that way.” I said to my self with a big shit-grin smile on my face.
Later I realized, that satellite company sold me a crappy service with the sole intention of using my dissatisfaction to sell me a more expensive service.
Huh, life is funny that way.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!!!
File this as lost and found…
Song in my head:
Crap Considered is posted each Friday.
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