The Name Game

The B-52s—Funplex

MoTW—Straight Into Darkness

As my muted, low-key running for the presidency continues, I keep
thinking of reasons why I would be a grand choice for that coveted
position, most of them good and simple, some of them completely fucked.

One of those simple reasons is the name.

Here's the choices you'll have:

President Clinton
President Obama
President McCain
President Johnson

Which would you prefer? Better yet, which one rolls off the tongue like
a dollop of sour cream mixed with those colorful sprinkles we all love?

Look at how many syllables each name has. What happened to the last
president with a three syllable last name? Scary, huh?

So, choice number two won't work. It doesn't roll off the tongue and it
has that three syllable stigma attached to it. I guess that girl will
have to find some other "cause" to slut herself out to.

That leaved three. The first will have to go because it's been done
recently and we can't have that. It's never happened before and it
shouldn't happen now because I say so. (NOTE: If it has happened within
the last 100 years or so, I wouldn't know because I don't keep up with
current events.)

That leaves three and four and they're both fine, fine presidential
names. They roll of the tongue. They don't have too many syllables.
They're fresh. They're NOW. They're in. They're snazzy.

On a sidenote, a couple days ago I was on an elevator and when it
reached the destination I had chosen and the doors opened and I was just
getting ready to step out, some doofus security guard barged their way
in before I had a chance to exit.

I stood there for a few seconds wishing I had a Stairmaster so I could
bash his fucking skull in, but my cooler head prevailed and I called him
a fucking asshole instead and went on my merry way.

When I'm president, that'll be another of my new laws: You try to enter
an elevator before those inside have a chance to leave, you can legally
have your brains bashed the fuck in by a Stairmaster.

Which brings us back to the name game.

Now you have two choices and if my memory serves me correctly, there has
been at least one President Johnson before. Think of the lineage there
and imagine what I could do if I had their mind(s) updated to these
modern times. (Not that I'm related or anything. Or am I?)

And then, when you have a chance go ahead and type all four names in
your computer and then do a spell check. See which name doesn't pop up
as unknown and that's the one that you should vote for. Simple, yes, but
totally practical.


COMING NEXT: Now for the army of iron troopers

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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