Blind Guardian—“A Twist in the Myth”
Doris kept yelling into her cell phone, the passenger
continued prodding the headless body, I continued crying and rocking
while Spunky was bent over examining the decapitated head.
“Yep, this is quite surely dead,” said the passenger poking the body
with his foot one final time.
“Oh, it’s horrible. HORRIBLE!” yelled Doris into the phone.
“Must be one of those special kids,” said Spunky as he picked up the
head. “Must have that aging disease cause he’s got a goatee.”
“What?” asked the passenger.
“WHAT?” yelled Doris.
“Say what?” I whispered.
Spunky held the head with both hands in front of his face and studied it
“Yep,” he said after a minute or so, “this is definitely not a child.
“As a matter of fact,” he continued, “this is a little person! A midget!
A vertically challenged adult! A leprechaun! A hobbit! A wee man!”
With that declaration he tossed the head into the air, threw some cereal
at it and shouted, “THIS CASE IS SOLVED!”
Doris stopped talking as the head landed a few feet from her with a
sloppy wet sound. Her hand released the phones yet it still remained
attached to her ear as if it had been welded to it with ear juice.
“Uncle Ned?” she asked nobody in particular.
The passenger walked over to the head and looked down at it.
“Holy shit Doris! You killed Uncle Ned!”
Doris started wailing and shaking her head madly back and forth.
“You killed Uncle Ned!” the passenger repeated.
“Nooooooooooooo!” wailed Doris as she continued to violently shake her
At this point the ear juices must have lost their glue-like properties
since the phone detached from her ear and flew into the passenger’s
There was another scream, this time from the passenger, as the stubby
phone antennae punctured his left eye. He fell down, landing on top of
the decapitated head.
“You crushed Uncle Ned’s head!” wailed Doris who the bent over and puked
up her Taco Bell lunch.
At this point some of my neighbors became curious
and began gathering at the scene.
“Stand back everyone!” Spunky shouted. “I’m a professional!”
A professional clown, I thought as I got to my feet.
“A professional CLOWN,” I said out loud.
Spunky gave me two thumbs up, ran towards the downed man and kicked the
phone. It popped out of the eye and sailed straight and true, right
through my next door neighbor’s kitchen window.
“THREE POINTS!” yelled Spunky, flinging his arms into the air.
WIth the fun now over, the neighbors went back to what they were doing.
Spunky loaded the body, head, passenger and Doris into the van and
wished them a good day.
As they drove away, a bus appeared at the end of the street.
“Look!’ I said, pointing down the street. “Our guests are starting to
COMING NEXT: The Block Party: Part 5