Some Large Parts

Proto-Kaw—“Before Became After”

MoTW—“The Bad News Bears” (05)

My mommy will vouch that the following is as true as parts 1, 2 and 3.

When I woke up the next morning with my almost-bald head, I had a tough
decision to make. Either I could go to school and get laughed at since
kids are so cruel at that age or I could run away from home and live on
the streets until I was discovered and whisked off to Hollywood where I
would star in a series of lucrative porn movies until I could no longer
perform satisfactorily in front of the cameras then I would finally head
back home and prove to everyone that I really was a somebody.

As I pondered my options over my morning bowl of Special K while also
hoping that the school would miraculously blow up due to some boiler
room accident or something, I finally figured what my most realistic
plan of action would be.

I said goodbye to my mother and headed out the door with a couple
textbooks. I gave the appearance of heading to school but, when my house
was out of sight, I doubled back and found a comfortable spot in the
woods located across the street from my home.

I lay down and tried to figure how I could spend the next 7 hours of my
day. When I couldn’t come up with something fun to do I drifted off to

I was awakened by some loud voices and found myself surrounded by some
hooligans in leather jackets. The asked me what I was doing and I
explained that I was cutting school since I didn’t want the other kids
to see me with short hair and they agreed that I had done the right

We talked about politics and world events and other adult-type stuff.
After a few hours the talk started dying down and I was scared they
would leave me all alone until Bobo, the leader of the gang, pulled out
a grocery bag from inside his jacket.

“Hey, you want to try something really cool?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied. “What you got?”

“Paint,” he said as he pulled a can of spray paint from the bag.

“Paint?” I asked.

“Paint,” he answered.

They showed me how to inhale the paint using a simple paper sack and
soon we were rolling around the ground giggling and retching. The beauty
about the whole thing was that I could actually feel brain cells dying
in my head and it was the best feeling I had ever experienced.

Suddenly, one of the hooligans started convulsing and the fun times
stopped until he fell face down in a pile of leaves. When he didn’t move
for a few minutes we figured he was dead and continued inhaling the
paint so that we could laugh and carouse some more.

All was going well until Bobo asked me a question about some of the
trees in the woods when, as I described the differences between oaks and
elms, I suddenly passed out.

When I woke up I noticed that it was almost dark out and that I was
missing my jeans. I buried the dead hooligan, gathered up my books and
headed home.

As I headed up to my room my mother spotted me and asked why there was
gold paint all over my face. I mumbled something about trying out for
the school mascot which seemed to satisfy her query, or so I thought.

“Did they take your pants too……..OH MY GOD! What’s that on your
underpants!? Is that BLOOD???”

What to tell her? Many answers filtered through my brain and I didn’t
have much time to analyze each and every one of them since she was
heading towards me brandishing a rather large wooden spoon so I blurted

“I was ass fucked by a biker gang, ma!”

Which, in hindsight, was definitely the wrong answer since she replied,

“Young man, just wait till your father gets home!”

COMING NEXT: Probably the next part.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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