Old F*ck Bastard Strikes Again

By Saint Garion Bel

Over the weekend my bride and I had her brother and my sister over for dinner. We ended up drinking quite a bit that night, and the three of them got into a political and religious discussion on the front deck.

I, not having any interest in these things, retired to my after dinner xbox game of Star Wars. That’s the fiction where the guy in charge of the empire is really also behind the attacks on his republic, and uses the political gains of those attacks to gather a support base of authoritarian followers and sweep away democracy.

Anyway the Old Fuck Bastard, that lives below us, comes up the stairs part way and joins their conversation. The lord approached the door to let me know that Old Fuck Bastard was out there, but I, having set my course for the evening, did not rise from my chair to chase the old fucker off.

The conversation goes on for probably an hour and the three come inside to watch some more TV, and maybe get another drink, and maybe to get away from the Old Fuck Bastard. We turn on V for Vendetta and part way through the movie there is a knock at the door. The lord said unto us, “Old Fuck Bastard has returned.”

We all just kind of look at the door, and then he knocked again. Then I got up, opened the door and stepped outside, closing the door behind me.

I looked at his hairy, fat, 80 year-old, shirt-less body and wondered how hard one would have to push to have him fall backward down the stairs, “You are knocking and we are not answering.”

Unfazed, the Old Fuck Bastard said unto Saint Garion: “I was wondering if the young lady that was out here earlier would be interested in coming downstairs to have some drinks and listen to some good music.”

Now in a state of shock, I couldn’t help but ask, “Which one?”

Old Fuck Bastard: “Don’t test me.”

Now it really is funny to me how close someone can come to death and not ever realize it. Still in shock but in need of clarification, “Don’t test you? Do you mean my little sister or my fiancé?”

Old Fuck Bastard: “That’s your sister?”

All I could say at this point was smile, and say “Goodbye” with a sense of extreme finality. I went inside still smiling and sat down. They wanted to know what he said, so I told them.

Coming Next: The Bride Almost Kills Old Fuck Bastard

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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