I Now Love Weddings!!!

Rush—Snakes & Arrows

MoTW—The Protector

Wow! How wrong I was!

I expected the wedding and reception to be a particularly grueling
affair, what with the no alcohol rule and my not giving a shit about
going to a wedding in the first place, so imagine my surprise when I
found myself totally drawn into the whole spectacle of two people united
in holy matrimony for the rest of their fucking lives and then finding
that people I know can be really, really fun without benefit of liquor
or mind-altering substances.

Things did get off to a bad start when the woman started whining about
how we were going to be late and how I "had better not ruin this night
for her" to which I responded with "Oh, don't worry about me. I'll sit
in a fucking corner somewhere and mind my own fucking business".

Got the silent treatment for that for about 1/4 mile and then it was
time for her to spout off the directions so we wouldn't get lost.

We arrived with plenty of time to spare, people that knew complimented
me on how good I looked to which I replied "I know" which got a good
laugh or two and then into the actual church part of the church we went
and, shockingly, I didn't burst into flame.

It felt that I was about to shed a tear during the candle lighting
ceremonies (I think there was something like 50 and I so love fire),
when the bride walked down the aisle, during the bible spouting
portions, during the actual wedding ceremony thing, during the violin
solo……hell, during the whole thing I felt that I was going to cry.

Wedding over and I was able to hold back most of the tears and off to
the reception we went and I'm proud to admit that I've made some new
friends and

Okay, let's get to the reality of the whole thing now. By now the woman,
if she actually decided to read this, would have quit a paragraph or two
above so it's safe.

I've been to weddings before and they've bored me. This one was no
different. Yada, yada, yada, love, love, love, blah, blah, blah, forever
and ever AMEN. Four words for those interested in getting married:
Justice of the Peace. They're quicker, they cut through all the bullshit
and get to the meat of the matter.

But I've never been treated to a violin solo at a wedding so it was
something new. However, it would have been nice if the soloist knew how
to play the damn thing. At first I thought it was a retard who was being
given some sympathy time since they wouldn't have been able to walk
straight enough to be a bridesmaid or flower girl, but there was an
absence of the wide eyes and sloping forehead so retardation wasn't the

I felt blood trickling from my ears it was so bad. I think it affected a
couple people in the audience too because I saw them twitching
uncontrollably. I wish I had a recorder, I could make some money off it.
It was William Hung horrible.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize a retard would
have played much better. There were more screeches than one season of
"Saved By The Bell". I'm telling you, it was horrible. Trust me on this.

Then to the reception we went where we had to sit around and wait for
the bride and bridegroom like they were fucking special or something.
However, since the reception was being held at a country club and most
golfers are drunkards, I just knew that somewhere there would have to be
a bar.

And there was, directions happily supplied by one of the waitresses.

Four of us took off to the bar and I downed a couple beers and we had
the bar tender (thanks Elyce!) fill a couple of styrofoam cups with
stiff drinks which we smuggled into the reception and proudly presented
to the father and stepmother of the groom who just so happened to be my
woman's parents which meant I actually had a good table (whatever).

The guests of honor arrived and dinner was served (which I didn't want
since, gee, I wasn't hungry) and then I got the hankering for more
alcohol. This time there was eight of us that went down to the bar, but
this time I only had a beer and a half. I did bring a disposable camera
that just happened to be sitting on our table at the reception so I
could take some nice shots of people having fun in the bar, something
that the bride and groom can cherish for many, many years to come.

Back to the reception and the dancing had started and they had the bride
and groom dance and then the parent of each and so on and so forth and I
was told I had to dance and I refused. Oh, they tried and tried and I
refused and refused and finally won.

Then it was back to the bar. This time it ended up with about ten people
and some had actually brought glasses from the reception which were soon
filled with alcohol and smuggled back. This almost drove me to tears,
the way that people adapted to the situation and all. It was wonderful.

Had three more beers and then it was back to reception where we found
that most everybody had left. Therefore, it was time for us to leave

And that was that.

P.S. I didn't ruin the night, in case anyone's wondering.

COMING NEXT: I think I have a plan

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


6 thoughts on “I Now Love Weddings!!!

  1. So I need a best man in a hurry- can you help me out?

    The wedding is June ninth in Vegas.

    J. T Schmidt

  2. Yep, sure can. The bride’s family just needs to send me the plane tickets, set up the hotel room, etc. etc. OR……..fuck the best man shit and get married at one of those drive-thru chapels. Saves loads of money. -Stephen

  3. As the obligatory wedding March came crackling over the P.A. system Tasha was lead past the admiring wedding guests- to the front of the altar. It was a perfect Los Angeles Spring afternoon, and apart from a little haze and smog over downtown, it was a perfect day.

    The three hundred attendees oohed and ahhed as the young bride flamboyantly strutted between them. In the front you could hear the sniffles as a couple of folks attempted to fight back tears. Tasha knew she had it going on- and flamboyantly shook her booty with exaggerated gestures with each step she took. Tasha walked slowly- obviously enjoying her moment.

    By the time she had made it to the altar Tom, the groom, was showing signs of anxiousness. Despite everyone’s best efforts he was having trouble standing still, and his eyes kept focusing on the five bridesmaids…causing him to pant a little heavier than usual

    Alfred Wainright, the minister in charge of the proceedings, made his way to the podium.

    ‘What a fine looking bitch,’ he muttered under his breath. Then, realizing that several folks had over heard him turned a bright beetroot color.

    ‘How on earth did I get conned into a dog weeding?” he thought as he put on his best fake smile and said…

    “We are gathered here today…”

  4. The link didn’t work, was able to go to thedogbowl.com, so don’t know what I’m missing since I didn’t click on everything since dogs are only good for eating, and they didn’t have any recipes. -Stephen

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