by Stephen Johnson
Firewind—Few Against Many
Well, my “fact finding” mission Texas is over.
For those wondering what I’m talking about, it’s all about Bob and
having him legally put to death like one of those mean-assed criminals.
My thought was simple: I would go to Texas since they like killing
convicts and find out how I could get Bob wrongfully convicted of some
heinous crime that the only choice would be to put him to death.
For those not following my posts, it’s not like I want Bob to die. Not
at all. He owes me $3 and I want my fucking money. It’s just that he was
a guinea pig for some new show and seemed that he really, really, REALLY
want to experience that capital punishment thing.
Of course I’m only here to help and I got myself a plane ticket to
Austin so I could get the info needed for Bob so he could finally
realize what I think is his new life’s quest.
I last flew a couple years ago and haven’t been keeping up on airport
rules, so I was mighty displeased when I failed to pass the scanner test
and they had to wave their magic wand around my body.
So, remember to put your lighter in the tray along with your cellphone
and don’t forget to put that wad of cash in your wallet since that
scanning machine likes none of those things. Just sayin’.
The flight was uneventful. I didn’t talk to my seatmate because he
looked like a dick. Instead I bused myself by reading the Skymall
magazine (lots of good shit in there!) and then, when I was allowed to,
watched “Seinfeld” on my portable dvd player until that was no longer
The hotel was fine, except it was a Hilton. That kind of sucked but it
was located very close to the airport which was good if I wanted to make
a quick getaway.
Another tip: If you’re not handicapped or handicapable, don’t get a
handicapped room. The shower sucks since it’s the same lever as the rest
of the bathroom, plus there’s a bench that takes up quite a lot of space
in the shower which sucks if you want to violently pleasure yourself.
Again, just sayin’.
The next few days I wandered around and asked folks how Bob could
realize his newest life’s ambition and found out it was quite easy.
Basically he would need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, look
guilty, get a shitty lawyer (or represent himself), be very drunk during
the trial and voila! To death row he would go!
As an added bonus, since he’s short and doesn’t look American, that’s
two additional points against (or for) him.
And that was that. You’re welcome, Bob! Now go and get that quest over
and done with!
COMING NEXT: I…uh.