Finally I Can Write About Normal Stuff Again

Meat Loaf—Hang Cool Teddy Bear

MoTW—Forbidden World

This is kind of cool.

After a few months I can actually write about something other than a
roadtrip (which was a contractual obligation). I can actually write
about something halfway interesting as well as something half-assed.

So where do I begin? What actually has been going on in my life that I
need to share with all my dear followers?

Well, I guess I COULD write about the day that retarded cat caught a
mouse and how I tried to force him to put the damn thing down so I could
toss it out.

But, no matter how many times I (gently) whacked him on the head, he
wouldn't drop the carcass from his mouth. He was hell-bent on carrying
the thing upstairs, maybe to show the other cats, maybe to show the
woman…maybe he just wanted to go upstairs with his prize because he's

I figured I would stop the (gentle) head whacks and let him do what he
wanted to do. Eventually he would get tired of the dead mouse and leave
it lying somewhere.

But this wasn't the case. Instead, he sat at the bottom of the basement
stairs and ate the fucking thing. I could hear the little bones cracking
as he munched away. Not a particularly appetizing sound but whatever,
he's a cat. And retarded.

Another interesting thing happened recently…..

It's Fall and leaves fall. That's what they do.

What I do is go out when there's enough leaves on the ground, take the
trusty blower out of the garage, blow the leaves into a tidy pile,
convert the blower into a sucker, suck those leaves up and put them into
yard waste bags.

That's what I do. Every year.

For some reason, our neighbors behind us got a log wedged into both
their asses and they decided to put up a temporary fence between our


Let me think about this…..

Ok. Last year when I did my leave thing, I made an attempt to pick up
some of the leaves on their side of the "boundary" being careful not to
"trespass" too much onto their lawn. Maybe a foot or so. I mean, they
came from our tree, so why not do something at least a little bit
neighborly. Right?

Well, I guess the woman saw him blowing leaves into our backyard last
year. I really didn't have a major issue with that since I do have that
trusty blower/sucker.

After doing my thing, I did notice that there was a pile on their side
of the "boundary", close enough for me to do the neighborly thing and
suck 'em up.

But I didn't. And they sat there all Winter long. And I didn't give a
flying fuck. But I guess they did and they wanted to make sure none of
our leaves infringed on their property this year, hence the temporary

Dumb fuckers. Like the leave always fall straight down. Like there's no
wind that'll blow some of our leaves into their precious yard. Fuck them
and fuck their dog who's been taking quite a few shits in our yard. I
know this because I've seen many shit piles while doing my leave thing
this year. And, since they're acting like bitches, I'm blaming it on
their dog.

I do get some satisfaction of flipping them the bird everytime I'm in
the backyard. They might not notice it, but I do it each and everytime.
Probably because I'm childish and immature or possibly because they're

It's all good though since this Wednesday is my birthday (just send me gift certificates, thank you very much) and Friday is that
wonderful shopping day so I'll be at Best Buy around 3am. Come visit,
we'll hang out, smoke and talk shit!

COMING NEXT: What freedom! The sky's the limit!

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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