Angtoria—God Has A Plan For Us All
It’s that time of year where I look into my crystal balls yet again and
predict some important happenings to happen in the coming year.
But first, let’s take a look at my fearless predictions from last year:
1) Britney and Kevin will split up. She’ll go on to record the biggest
selling album of all time which will go on to become the best album EVER
made. Kevin will be denied work at Crackwhore Village and will try that
immersion reporting thing only to be shot by an 8 year old girl on the
first day of hunting season when he’s “accidentally” mistaken for a
2) The Mets will end up ahead of the Braves in their division. (Hey, I
hope for it every year so it’s got to come true eventually.)
3) It’s really a pillow. Katie’s career is over, Tom just keeps on
4) Monkeys actually fly out of someone’s butt making that slow news day
something really special.
5) That promised sequel to “Making the Grade” will finally be made.
6) The ant flu will finally rear it’s ugly head on a vacation isle where
there’s a giant queen ant making all the tourists sick by spraying them
with some noxious gas until an unlikely hero steps forward and torches
the queen and her many giant minions but it doesn’t make a difference
since the tourists are infected with the virus which they unwittingly
take back home. Panic will ensue.
7) “Surf II” will finally be released on DVD along with “Breaking All
the Rules”, “Prime Risk” (cause I like the Toni Hudson) and “The
Challenge”. (Okay, not a prediction, just a wish list of some movies I
like for some reason.)
8) At least two more images of Jesus/Virgin Mary will show up on
something where you’d least expect to find it.
9) I’ll have a bowel movement that looks like Dakota Fanning and I’ll go
temporarily insane as I crush the wet feces in my hands until it looks
like a mushed pile of shit.
Well, four out of nine is not too bad! Sure, I’m taking liberties since
some of the predictions I predicted did not come completely true, but
the main portion did so it’s gotta count.
It’s going to be a crazy year says my crystal balls, so let’s see what
1) A pseudo-starlet will be found dead in a hotel room. Surrounding her
body will be a half empty (maybe even half full?) box of Cheese Nips, a
turkey baster, a lamb chop, a puddle of water, disc two of season one of
“Herman’s Head” and an opened tube of Vagisil. IN twenty questions or
less, can we figure out how she died? Do we really care?
2) Mets to the World Series!
3) Many people will watch the new season of “American Idol”. I won’t and
will still wish that they would all just go away.
4) Pepsi or Coke will come up with a new flavored soda, like Chocolate
Pepsi, and the competing brand will release the same flavor within a
5) “Spiderman 3” will NOT be the top grossing movie of the year. It’ll
be something else. Something you wouldn’t expect. Something that’s not
part of a trilogy. It’ll probably have an “o” in the title.
6) More Jesus/Virgin Mary image sightings! Really! At least two!
7) My book will finally be finished, or close to finished. It’ll contain
zombies ’cause the kiddies love them zombies!
Sadly, that’s all the predictions that I could see since the cat decided
my balls were a play toy and smacked them around causing them to get out
of whack. Such are the perils of one who masters the crystal balls.
COMING NEXT: The dangers of increased sperm volume