I Become a Human Guinea Pig!



Before you get started here, go ahead and take a moment to visit Master
Gifford’s column under the “Paperback Writer” linkage thing located
above. He’s got a request for everyone and even wrote a poem.

That’s right; he wrote a FUCKING POEM. AND IT RHYMES! What a genius.

I tried to write a poem once. Then I slit my wrists, sewed up the slits,
tried to write some more but couldn’t come up with anything to rhyme
with “Carthage” so I gave up. This goes to show you what an absolute
genius he is.


I went to the streets to find what was the most pressing matter to the
young adults of today. I was expecting the typical responses like world
peace, the draft, politics, myspace ethics, etc.

However, what surprised me was the most pressing matter of all these
people was increased sperm volume.

Luckily for them, I receive about 20 email a day about that exact topic!
I decided to make myself a human guinea pig and order some of those
pills so I could make sure that it was safe and then I would pass on
this wonderful info to those same young adults.

After about a week a package arrived and inside was a bottle of pills.
According to the email, these pills would increase my spooge volume by
500% which, to me, is a hefty increase.

Imagine that you had a penny. Now imagine that someone comes up to you
and offers you 500% more pennies. Don’t worry that it looks like that
someone is only wearing a trenchcoat, they don’t want you to do anything
for the increase that they’re offering since they won’t turn down
anything you might offer them in return, but it’s not something you’d be
required to do. My advice is take them up on their offer and then let
them go on their merry way.

So your penny has been increased by 500% and now you have something like
three dollars! See how that works? Now imagine what a 500% increase in
joy juice would be like!

Well, imagine no more because I’m going to tell you what it’s like!

I took the pill and then sat around until it was time to take another.
This continued for a few days until I felt that it was time to relieve
myself of some of that tension, if you know what I mean.

Off to the tv room I went, armed with a copy of the latest issue of Good
Housekeeping and a couple squares of toilet paper. I turned on the tv,
tuned to The Weather Channel and then sat down in the recliner.

After turning some pages of the magazine with an occasional glance at
the tv, I felt that I was ready so I went to work.

COMING NEXT: Success or failure?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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