After many minutes of soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that Elian should NOT have to go back to Cuba.

We, as Americans, need to open our arms to this unfortunate child and father and welcome them with open arms. It shouldn’t matter that his dad will not be able to get a high paying job here, but our love for him and his son will make the positives outweigh the many, many negatives.

Okay, the above was bullshit, but I do have a wonderful, nifty-neato plan.

Both sides should be able to benefit. If we keep Elian and his poppa, we obviously have to give something back to Cuba.

That something is Cody Gifford.

This will benefit us greatly. We send Cody to Cuba, and soon after we will also lose Kathie Lee, Frank and any other demonic spawn that have leapt from Kathie’s womb.

Cuba is the perfect setting for Kathie Lee. She can keep close tabs on the working conditions in her sweatshops and extoll the virtues of Cuba’s newest hero, Cody. She has plenty of practice jabbering on about Cody, and we have grown tired of it. However, in Cuba, this would be something new. The best thing is, if she talks about him too much, she might be stoned to death, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Then she would be a martyr. That would be cool.

Frank is quite old. The sun and tropical setting would do him some good. Besides, he doesn’t have to worry about getting caught with a stewardess in Cuba, since there aren’t any. So, my plan will actually help Kathie Lee’s and Frank’s marriage. That would make me feel really warm and fuzzy.

In a few months, after the exchange,we will forget about Elian. We will also have the name Cody and Kathie Lee erased from our memories once and for all.

I like Frank and wish no harm to him since he is the obvious stud monkey. He just needs to go to a doctor and have the demon-possessed sperm exorcised from his body.

Then, and only then, peace will finally come to all corners of the world.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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