Attack of the Jerome Clones: The Flaming Column of Piss

Continuity problems seldom come up when one deals in the weird, but when the angry guy decides he’s gonna turn on the religious guy… you get an illegal holy war in the desert. I don’t pretend to know why. For some reason Stephen believes he “owns” the black man that is called Jerome.

We’ll its time to clear up all the confusion and explain why Jerome went into the fit that he did when Stephen intimated that there may be another. I first met Jerome in May of 2001, Bob and Stephen were torturing him relentlessly, conducting “scientific” experiments. God spoke to me, “The Sister Includes Jerome,” so I went right over to see Jerome and cut out all of the parts that Bob and Stephen had damaged.

But back to current events, after reading Stephen’s challenge of legitimacy the Holy Spirit filled me with its power, I went into the cupboard where I found them: Jerome’s Damaged Parts. Hermetically sealed in a jar, I wasn’t really sure why I had held onto them for so long…

God: “IT IS TIME.”

Saint Garion: “Yes. I will go out into the golf course down the block and throw The Jerome’s severed cock and balls across the green; towards the back.”

God: “And for every drop of putrid sperm that touches the Earth I will bring forth another Jerome.”

But before I could do this I needed a witness, so I called Bob’s house.

Saint Garion: “Bob, I need you to come over to witness something.”

Bob: “I, uh, don’t want to get involved.”

Saint Garion: “I know you’re afraid of your three year old, I know she is bigger than you, and I’ve already invited her; she thinks it’s a great idea.”

Bob: “I’ll be right there.”

And so it happened that some very confused golfers ran for their cars when a thousand Jeromes started popping up from the ground on which they were trying to play their lame fuck game, shortly after a severed cock and balls flew over head.

And the Jeromes were together as one people and things they began to say and do. Curses in tirades like none ever heard before in all of creation sprung from their foul misshapen mouths. After a time, the cursing then subsided. Jerome #667 then spoke unto the others, “I have to piss…” followed by more foul words that made the trees and grass begin to die. So did the others need to piss and it came to be that they filled a depression on the golf course with their urine creating a lake.

An enthralled Saint Garion began to laugh: “Behold the power of God!”

Bob begins to cry when he realizes that this could mean that the world was coming to an end. With that the Lord looked to the heavens, “please don’t destroy the world with the piss of Jeromes.”

God: “Hey Saint Garion, I’ll have to separate them…”

Saint Garion: “Throughout time and space?”

God: “This isn’t Star Trek, across the planet will have to do,” a disappointed Saint Garion looks skyward and God offers, “oh all right, I’ll scatter them across time too.”

Saint Garion: “With a giant column of flame?”

God: “Oh Snap!”

And a great column of flaming urine erupted from the lake, engulfing the Jeromes and scattering their kind into the past and future across the earth, mutating some and changing the sex on others.

Saint Garion: “So what will happen if two Jeromes ever meet?”

And God spoke to Saint Garion (in a very authoritative manner): “If it occurs to them that there are others, they will recall their foul tongue, as punishment to whomever it is that is near, then if two ever meet they will once again be swept away in a flaming column of piss.”

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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