I met a woman the other day.
She said, “Bologna doesn’t curl up into a bologna hat when you cook it anymore. Tell me, what has become of this world?”
“This can’t be true!” I exclaimed, vexed and flabbergasted.
“But it is!” she replied. “But it is!”
I decided to investigate for myself. I marched across the street to the grocery store, conveniently located, and bought myself a $6 twelve-ounce “pound” of bologna. Just to be scientific I even bought the same brand I used to eat and make bologna hats out of when I was a kid.
When I got home I took out a slice, slapped it onto a plate and thrust it into the microwave.
And by jove if that lady wasn’t right! No matter how long I cooked it that bologna never curled up into a bologna hat. It never curled up at all. It just burned until it turned black. I ate it anyway because I had the munchies and was hungry.
But the point is, you people don’t know what this means.
Hell, I don’t know what this means.
Nobody knows what this means.
Because it’s stupid, just like everything else in this bizarroworld trumpenverse I seem to have bumbled my way into. Since I have gotten stuck in this universe nothing has made sense. Nothing.
And now you’re telling me that bologna doesn’t even curl up into little bologna hats when you cook it anymore???
It sort of makes you wonder about the fabric of reality, and if anything was ever really the way you thought it was to begin with, and why is everything suddenly so different, and more than anything else it makes you wonder why and how the hell has everything suddenly gotten so crazy and stupid?
I don’t profess to have the answers to any of these questions. I’m just along for the ride, a hitchhiker in Time, a wandering hobo of the Universe.
And if I’ve got to be stuck in this shithole timeline then at least I’m stuck in here with all you swell folks out there reading this here right now.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lock myself in my room and weep my bologna hatless self to sleep.
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