A Million Nuts Added to the Pieces

Drive-By Truckers—“A Blessing and a Curse”

MoTW—“Hotel Rwanda”

Dinner that night wasn’t a pleasant affair. I sat sulking shovelling
spoonful after spoonful of peas into my mouth trying to figure a way
around getting locked in my room at night.

I decided to try sensibility. “C’mon guys, are you telling me that by
supposedly taking a few cookies that makes me a criminal to be locked
away? We live in America damnit and I expect to be treated as a citizen
entitled to a fair trial and all that other legal stuff!”

“I already explained why were doing what were doing,” mom said after
gulping down some wine.

“Hey, it’s only temporary,” said dad. “If more cookies are missing in
the next couple days, we’ll know it’s not you and then we’ll apologize.
It’s as simple as that.”

“And then you’ll fix the lock on my door?”

“Well, we’ll see about that,” answered mom.

“That’s fucked! I’m dealing with a wino mother and a pimp father and you
guys expect me to respect your decisions?”

They both back-handed me across my face simultaneously.

We ate in silence for a while and then something must have clicked in
mom’s mind.

“I can understand being called a wino but why would he call you a pimp?”
she asked.

“It’s nothing dear. My, this is fine, fine pudding! You really outdid
yourself tonight! How about some more wine?”

“Why thank you, don’t mind if I do!”

I excused myself and left the table as they discussed the pudding

I went to my room and lay down on the bed. As I gazed at the ceiling
wondering what I did to deserve my life, I noticed that the pillow was a
bit lumpy. I picked it up gingerly expecting to find some monkey poo,
but found Mrs Beasley.

Pinned to her dress was a note:


I looked at the note for a minute and then found my eyes wandering
around the room until they settled on the Erector set sitting in the

I got up and after a bit of stumbling around, managed to point my body
in the direction of the Erector set. When I got there I scooped up my
eyes and popped them back into their sockets and then opened up the red
case and found all the metal plates, nut and bolts I needed, along with
a small but very powerful motor.

I lay Mrs Beasley on the desk and picked up my Swiss Army knife. I
pulled out the long blade and, after making the sign of the cross over
her prone body, began cutting off the top of her head.

There was almost no squirting blood as I sawed away which made me very
thankful since this was just a doll after all.

When the cutting was done and I lifted off the top of her head, she gave
a small shriek and her little feet spasmed for a second or two and then
she was still.

COMING NEXT: It’s alive?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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