A Lazy Secretive Thing With Stuff On Top


MoTW—Blue Collar

Before I get started, would like those that like classic rock/metal to
join a new forum at www.classic-rock-bottom.ning.com.

It's an offshoot of a forum that's closing down on July 1st and has some
really great people onboard. It's also not your typical forum where's
there's a bunch of assholes doing asshole type stuff. Just folks that
like rock, cause all other music sucks (hear that hippity hoppity?),
except for classical which is really cool cause I said it was.

Just do me a favor and don't mention this to anyone else affiliated with
this site. They don't like their slaves branching out and doing other
stuff. They think it will take away focus on this site. That's why they
make you sign this legal document which states that you cannot
contribute to any other site (except porn cause that's what the bigwigs
here really like).

But I found a way around that document by using a different name on
other sites so they can't track me down and claim I broke an agreement.
They're really not too smart. If they do corner me at the office and ask
if I do stuff for other sites, I'll just deny it. It's not like they can
prove otherwise.

So, go ahead and visit that aforementioned site, check it out and join
if you want. Just don't be an asshole. And remember not to mention it to
anyone here. Please.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about really lazy people.

Now, I'm all for sitting around watching movies and listening to music
as long as your chores are done. In my case I don't have any chores, I
hire folks to d 'em for me.

As I've mentioned before (I think), escalators are neat, but there's
really no reason why you can't walk up or down them, unless you're
retarded or have no legs. Then I can understand standing around for the
ride, or whatever legless folks do, since they really can't stand (it's
that legless thing, people).

What's fun to do, in order to get someone to get their ass in gear, is
to stand a couple steps away from them making sure you're right at the
edge of the step, and rocking back and forth. It's makes an unholy
racket so they'll get the fucking point. Try it, it works!

Anyway, a couple days go I was at an office building in downtown Detroit
just messing around. They have sets of doors that include your normal
push open doors as well as electronic doors for folks in wheelchairs,
delivery people, etc. They just need to push a button and the doors will
automatically open. Good stuff.

I headed through a set of manual doors and saw a couple women coming
from the other direction. They were not carrying anything, but one of
them pushed the button for the electronic door. I found this funny
because it made me sick.

She walked up to the electronic door with her friend, but it didn't
open. So what did she do next? Did she manually open the door? No, she
walked back to the button and pressed it again, and this time the door

As I walked by, I said, loud enough to be heard, "In-fucking-credible".
I guess she figured they figured it was directed at them because they
both shot me really nasty looks.

I told them to hold on for a second and whipped out my trusty tape
measure and measured the distance from the door to the button, which
came to seven feet.

I then asked why the one lady would walk seven feet to press a button
instead of just opening the door herself, and neither of them could or
would answer. I told them that the sucked as human beings and that one
day they would get their comeuppance, whatever that was supposed to

What it actually meant was that they tracked down a security guard and
for a few hours the chase was on. I ran through the building, ducking,
weaving, hiding and whatever else I could do.

Eventually I stopped for a cool, refreshing smoke and was caught. I was
then told that I needed to leave the building, shenanigans like mine
weren't allowed since it was a business for crying out loud (the guard
was kind of a whiner).

I told him that was ok but was allowed to explain what happened. When I
was done, the guard was disgusted and he then went away to hunt down to
two women for something he called "frontier justice".

I approved of his plan and gave him some nifty ideas on how to use his
nightstick and pepper spray on the two women, we chuckled a bit and then
he reminded me that I really had to leave.

COMING NEXT: No more of this seat of the pants shit, I swear

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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