[Editor’s Note: I found this weeks Spamrider column in an unopened box of Count Chocula. What I mean is I opened the box and there it was. My wife had just brought it home for me from the grocery store and just in case you’re thinking there was some fishy business there were witnesses the whole time. Spamrider has been missing since June so I can’t ask him about it. This column makes absolutely no sense but since that is nothing new I am going ahead and running it. -Bob]
I haven’t mentioned this yet because I wanted to wait and see what would happen, but back in June when Obama swatted that fly I thought we were all done for.
Because that’s the way it happened in the Timeline I remember.
Unbeknownst to humanity, the United Planetary Commision had sent an envoy to address the new President of the most powerful nation on earth. They basically wanted to ask if we’d like to join them and share in their planetary free energy and environmental rehabilitation and maintenance technologies.
Unfortunately, the ambassador they sent was a Venutian (not from our planet Venus, but from the planet Venus in the Delta Sector), and Venutians happen to resemble what on earth we call “houseflies”.
So you can see what happened.
The galaxy was divided on whether they should just wipe us off the map, with half of them arguing that it was an innocent mistake and the other half arguing that any species that still brutally murders its fellow planetary inhabitants doesn’t deserve to live anyway.
In the end it was decided just to leave us to our own devices, and the planet quickly went to shit just like it would have anyway if they had never interceded. That part I’m pretty sure is still going to happen. At least that’s what your scientists are saying.
There were also some other rogue aliens not affiliated with the Federation who came back in later just to make things interesting. But that’s another story.
Anyway, the damage had been done and the Universe fell into an unprecedented and destructive civil war, all over Obama killing what he thought was just a fly.
But unbeknownst to everybody, the Russians (not the Russians of planet Earth, but the Russians of Tiberius XVII) had constructed a Dr. Strangelove-style Doomsday Machine designed to begin tearing the Universe to shreds by distorting the Space-Time Continuum through certain patented manipulations in the 17th & 1/3 dimension. It had something to do with banjo strings and atomic dissonance, that’s all I know. And it was set to go off precisely in the event of a Universal Civil War.
Their original plan was to use it as an inconceivable threat to preserve the Universal peace, but the war started before they were able to tell anybody about the machine and by the time they did it was already too late.
Apparently at that point they were going to just not say anything but they decided it didn’t matter anyway so they might as well just ‘fess up.
Everyone blamed it on Obama. The event was referred to as “The Swat Heard ‘Round the Universe”.
And then the world ended.
At least I presume it did.
I didn’t stick around to find out which is why I’m back Now again.
Or at least I thought I was.
So anyway, apparently none of that is even happening here.
Unfortunately that’s little consolation to me because I’m still stuck here on this lonely planet which is by all appearances soon to become the same hellhole I remember from The Future, or at the very least something similar.
I don’t even know if there’s a Planetary Federation or not in this Universe. And if there is, I don’t know that they’d be able or even willing to help us out of our mess.
It seems The Future is an open and transparent book. Though if you squint hard enough sometimes you can actually almost imagine seeing some of the pages filling themselves in.
Spamrider of the Apocalypse is posted each Sunday.
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