Why The Woman Generally Isn’t Seen In Public With Wonderful Ole Me

Machine Head—The Blackening

MoTW—She's Out Of My League

(Dedicated to Noodles, my friend, my pal, my baby. You were always
there, hanging around with me while I vegged out listening to music,
watching movies or just doing nothing, and even those few times I
actually did something. You are and always will be sorely missed. Love
ya buddy!!!!!)

It's been a pretty sad week around the household, and to get me out of
the house, the woman decided I could tag along with her while she went
to Costco.
Since that one incident awhile ago, she's refused to let me accompany
her to Costco and tries to limit the amount of time were seen in public

So we get to Costco and while it's busy for a Saturday afternoon, it's
not busy-busy, especially with Xmas right around the corner. I promised
to keep my mouth shut while she looked over things, deciding if the bulk
price was better than regular store prices as I looked in wide-eyes
wonderment at all the glorious products they offered.

I eventually got antsy and she allowed me to go check out the Blu-Ray
section as she went to look for fish. This was pleasing to me for maybe
five minutes since their prices generally sucked and the cheap ones they
had we already had, so I tired quickly and went to hunt her down.

I spotted her in the meat section and as I headed her way, I was
corralled by a old lady sucking something out of a tiny cup. This made
me sick and, as I looked around trying to find another avenue to the
woman, I saw that there were literally thousands of old people greedily
gumming down free samples from little cups.

Saying "This fucking SUCKS!" really loud in Costco with dozens of people
around as well as some children really doesn't endear you to the general
populace and this time was no different. Many dirty looks were tossed my
way but I didn't care, I wanted to get away from these sample slurping
oldsters and I needed to do it quick.

Putting my head down, I charged through the throngs of people until I
reached the woman. I told her we were surrounded by old people that
weren't shopping but were just there for free food and she just laughed
and laughed and laughed some more and wouldn't let me leave.

Like a controlled, hen-pecked less-than-better-half, I did what I was
supposed to, which was following her meekly around the store, dodging
those sample eating fuckers as she found the items she was looking for.

And then, when we finally exited the store, I was able to blow chunks
all over the parking lot. Eventually the puddles of vomit will freeze
and someone will slip and fall and vengeance shall be mine!


COMING NEXT: Probably a top ten list or two

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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