What I Did The Last (Almost) Two Weeks

Jon Oliva's Pain—Global Warning

MoTW—Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

So I've taken a couple weeks of updating you with what's been going on
in my super-duper life but now I'm back and we can all cheer!

Since I'm really old, I decided that I wouldn't leave the house the week
of my birthday. I was content to sit around and watch movies, listen to
music and find those all important porn sites that keep me ticking.

That was good Mon thru Wed of last week since I had the house to myself
and could walk around naked in front of the open windows if I wanted to
(and I did). Had my annual b'day James Bond marathon on that Monday and
then just farted around with shit and stuff the next couple days.

Thursday was Thanksgiving so I was forced to leave the house per the
woman's orders. Off to her parents house we went where I watched tv in
the basement while everyone else was watching football which is the most
boring fucking sport in the world.

I used to watch it all the time until I found that I was falling asleep
during the second quarter during every game and then figured that I
wasn't diseased so that could only mean that football is boring. And it
is cause I say so!

Had the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and then took off soon after
since I was going to break my rule for another tradition: Black Friday
shopping!!

I had received an email on Wed with a preview of Best Buy's ad and there
wasn't anything that I was interested in, so I decided not to go. Then I
changed my mind. Then during Thanksgiving I changed my mind again.

Then Fri morning I woke up at 2 am and was on the road by 3 am. At 3;30
am I was waiting in line outside the Best Buy on Orchard Lake Rd,
waiting for 5:00 to roll around.

This year the line wasn't as long as last year's and I got there at the
same time. Maybe others felt the same I did, or everyone's poor.

I called the woman and she was still sleeping since she had to be at
work at 8 am so she had sworn off shopping this year.

About 45 minutes later I got a call and the woman is complaining because
she went to Target and was so happy there wasn't a line and she was
going to wait but then she noticed that they didn't open until 6 am.
Momentarily defeated, so told me she was going to Meijers to see what
they had for sale.

I almost questioned her about her sudden change of mind but let it be.

Best Buy opened, I got in and picked up two dvd's and a cd for 30 bucks.
Yep, you got it. I waited in line for 90 minutes to spend 30 bucks.
That's dedication to tradition folks!

When I'm leaving I call the woman and tell her I'll meet her at Target.
She says she doesn't want to go since it's raining out and she doesn't
want to stand outside in the rain but I change her mind again when I
tell her that it's snowing.

I parked my car at Home Depot since I have to check out something there
later and walked to Target which is in the same complex type thingy and
meet up with the woman in line. There's maybe only a hundred people
ahead of us, so it shouldn't be too bad and the wait won't be that long
since it was 5:40 am.

(SIdenote; Last year I did the same thing, Best Buy and then met the
woman at Target. After getting rammed by numerous bitches and their
carts, I swore to never go to Target again on Black Friday.)

The store openedsand we walk in. I tell the woman to walk really slow
since that'll annoy the other shoppers, especially those that want to
run. It works for awhile until I'm jabbed by those bitches and their
carts. Again.

I spent 12 bucks at Target. I will never go to Target again on Black
Friday. I will not go into detail about those wild-eyed hags and their
total disregard for others and their rapid de-evolution. It's fucking
frightening.

Bade the woman goodbye and headed to Home Depot where I was "going to
check out a drill that was on sale". That's what I told her and she
seemed to believe it even though I don't know shit about tools and she
knows it.

In reality I went there to pick up a front loading washer for her Xmas
present. Good thing she doesn't read this shit since it will ruin the
surprise. Then again, maybe not since it was delivered yesterday (Wed)
and it's Thurs evening and she hasn't noticed it yet. Maybe I'll luck
out and she won't notice it for another 21 days.

It took about 30 minutes to pick out the washer and get rung up and then
I headed home.

Saturday I went to the grocery store early and then shut myself in for
the next 4 days until I had to run to Wal Mart to pick up some laundry
detergent with the HE symbol on it since that's what we gots to use in
the new washer, or so I've been told, and some cheese sticks since I had
a hankering for 'em.

(Another sidenote: During the weekend, the woman questioned me quite a
few times about that "drill" I was going to check out at Home Depot.
Good ole crafty me came to my rescue!)

Wednesday they delivered the washer and then I farted around on the
computer and opened up an account on something called MySpace which, I
think, is going to be BIG. I did get bored with it after about 15 min,
so go ahead and check out what I (Stephen Johnson) came up with. Don't
be surprised if you come up with a blank page. I think it lets everyone
know I'm male and that's about it.

Today I left again to get a haircut since it was hanging down to my chin
which makes driving and movie watching very difficult, then I went
grocery shopping and watched some more movies.

And now I'm typing this. And I had typed what's above before typing
this.

My goal is to not leave the property for the next three days. Tomorrow
is going to be my Spielberg DVD day, I haven't figured out what Sat and
Sun will be.

Now you're caught up with my life. You can go now.

(UPDATE: I screwed up and didn't get this posted when I wanted it posted
and now it's Saturday. FINALLY the woman noticed the new washer. She
cried, as she should, and then I made her do the laundry.)

COMING NEXT: I yelped when the ball of cat hair moved by itself

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beggining. The idea of writing weekly columns (blogs didn't exist yet) also came from Stephen. So I guess that makes him the creator of the "blog" phenomena.

https://theweirdcrap.com

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