We Went To Nebraska!

We went to Nebraska last week to scout locations for the movie. I kept a diary of our trip which you can read below because we are really giving people!!!

Wednesday, Day 1:

Major delay in landing plane in Nebraska since there is a cow on runway.
Have been circling now for 2 hours. Pilot says the farmer will not move cow until it is finished grazing.

After 3 hours of circling we are finally landing!!! Departed plane.

Can’t find Bob, he might have accidentally wandered into the cornfield.
Found Bob after searching for an hour.

Airport about the size of a 7-11. Asked where the bathroom was. Told to go behind the airport and use the outhouse.

Met Chet, a native Nebraskan, who will be our guide. He wears a cowboy hat and drives a pickup truck. Chet took us to a local trailer park. He explained that the one hotel in Omaha was completely booked up for a pig calling contest. He did manage to find us a trailer to stay in. There is a car on blocks in the parking space of the trailer.

Trailer has two bedrooms, a small living room and a small kichenette.There is a 13″ black and white tv in the living room. Chet tells us there was no expense spared for us. Claims this is the ritziest place in the whole state. Tells us outhouse is around the back of the trailer and that we are lucky because we have our own outhouse and don’t have to share it with the whole trailer park. Seems to me they really are sparing no expense.

Told Chet to meet us in the morning. We are tired after the long trip.

Thursday, Day 2:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window.
Had a beer.
Bob woke up. He had a beer.
Bob noticed that there was no shower or even a bath tub. We watched tv for a while. Nothing on the one channel except for a test pattern.

Chet showed up at 7. Asked him where we could wash up. He didn’t understand what we were talking about. Good thing we brought lots of deodorant. Chet asked us if we wanted some hookers. Said the state was full of them. Told Chet maybe later.

Chet took us to a grocery store. We stocked up on Slim Jim’s, pork rinds and beer. Only thing the store sold, basically.

Had breakfast. Beer, Slim Jim’s and pork rinds do not really make a good breakfast. I puked.

Asked Chet to take us to a Nebraskan landmark. He took us to a cornfield. Checked out the Nebraska visitor’s guide. It is only one page. Decided to try downtown Omaha to scout locations.

Took a very long time to drive 10 miles to get downtown. Were stuck behind tractors the whole time. Chet explained that it was rush hour.

Downtown consists of a one room school, a general store, a blacksmith shop and an outhouse. We are going to film the whole movie here, we decide.

Chet takes us to the Nebraskan film commission office. It is a one story building, but it is closed. There is a sign on the door and I think it says “Went Chicken Fucking.”
Bob thinks it might be be “plucking” instead of “fucking”. Chet says he has done both, as most Nebraskans have, and is unsure. We decide to come back tomorrow.

Chet takes us back to the trailer. We tell him to meet us back in the morning at 7 again. We drink beer until we pass out.

Friday, Day 3:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window.
Had a beer. Bob has been up and drinking since 4.

Chet shows up at 7. Bob and I both smell rancid. Chet doesn’t seem to notice, probably because he doesn’t smell too good. Declined Chet’s offer of breakfast. Told him we were fine with beer and cigarettes.

Went to Dodge Road, a major road in Omaha. It is not paved. Chet says it is a major hang out in Omaha. Says there are a lot of hookers there. Went to a mall located at 72nd Street and Dodge Road. It only has 3 stores, and 2 of them are cowboy hat stores. The other one sells bib overalls. Bob and I got really bored.

Went back to film commission office. It is still closed with the same sign on the door. Chet admits he doesn’t remember if he has ever seen the office open. He also admits he really doesn’t know what a movie is since they don’t have those in Nebaska.

Chet took us home. He offered to bring us his mom and his sister who are both hookers. We declined his offer. Bob is a clean freak and decides to clean himself with beer. I used the sink in the kitchen.

We drank beer until about 3 in the morning.

Saturday, Day 4:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window. Had a beer. Bob has not slept, has been drinking all night.

Chet arrives at 7. I didn’t tell him to show up. Told Chet we were going to hang around the trailer and work on the script. Chet offers to send his grandma over, claims she is a grade A hooker. Bob looks interested, but we decline the invitation. Chet leaves.
We drank beer all day and pass out at about 11 pm.

Sunday, Day 5:

Woke up at 5 am in a puddle of my own vomit. Fucking rooster outside the window.

Woke Bob up and offered him a beer. He wanted Jack Daniels. I gave him the bottle.

Chet shows up at 7. He tells us today is his 25th birthday and he has to take part in a Nebraskan tradition that involves a sheep and a car battery. We turn down his invitation to attend and tell him he can go since we won’t need him for today.

Tornado touched down and destroyed most of the trailer park. We were lucky since only the roof of our trailer was torn off. Also think we lost some beer.
Just learned that 98% of Omaha consists of trailer parks and that the whole town is basically destroyed. No state of emergency was announced since the governor has no phone.

Bob went to pee, but the outhouse was blown away in the tornado. He peed on the side of the trailer.

Just found out a farmer and his family live in the car in the parking space. They have just returned from Iowa where they were gathered around a radio. I have no idea what that means. The car was blown off the blocks during the tornado, so we help the farmer put it back on the blocks. His wife checks the car and tells us that none of the family heirlooms were destroyed.

We decide to drink the rest of the day.

Monday, Day 6:

Woke up at 5 am. No rooster this time. Farmer and family are eating the rooster for breakfast. Woke up Bob and drank some beer.

Chet showed up at 7 to take us to the airport. Told us that the terminal was destroyed in the tornado but that the plane was untouched. Chet was right. No airport.

Said goodbye to Chet. We invited him to come out to the big city sometime. Maybe that was not a good idea since the culture shock would be incredible, possibly deadly. Oh well, we’ll see what happens. Also told him we would be back soon to start filming.
Did we scout any locations??

Went to board plane and was told by the stewardess that I couldn’t board with a lit cigarette. I threw it away.

Finally—the flight home!!!!!!

Oh-oh. I just looked out the window and the cornfield near the airport is on fire. Bob thinks it might have been me who caused it.


More Lunatic Ravings…

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Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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