Things have changed quite a bit here in Bob’s closet since my last report. Somehow Bob found out about the party and now he’s started torturing us by making us listen to Billie Eilish day and night. And night and day. And day and night. And night and day. Gary and I have barely been able to get any sleep. And Gary can’t schnizzle off anymore because Bob has installed surveillance cameras that cover the entire closet. Likewise I can’t just jump into the Past before Billie Eilish was born and kill her grandfather because Bob would know I went away. I guess when I was done I could jump back one microsecond after I left but I just know that son of a bitch would catch on. He’s got somebody helping him, there’s no question about that. Somebody a lot smarter than he is. Gary and I are at a loss trying to figure out who it is. (If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably that new Yvonne chick who took over for Melissa, and who of course just like everybody else here at The Weird Crap is just another one of Bob’s many many split personalities.) Melissa the old Chick Shit chick, on the other hand, is loving all this. Apparently she’s a big Billie Eilish fan. It’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since Bob threw me into this damn closet and while I’m glad for her I hate that Gary and I have to be made miserable for her to be happy. Gary says that’s just like a woman. Apparently Gary has been burned by a lot of women. Before Bob threw him into this closet I mean. I think that’s one reason why he likes it in here so much. I don’t think he likes having me and Chick Shit chick around though. Before Bob threw us in here he had the whole closet to himself for almost 15 years except during those six weeks when Joey from Friends came to visit. Apparently Joey and Bob are best buds and Bob couldn’t wait to show Joey who he had in his closet and Joey loved it so much he started staying in the closet with Gary completely of his own accord. Of course Joey could come and go as he pleased, and he didn’t have to shit and piss in a bucket like Gary did. Speaking of which, now that Bob has the whole place under surveillance he presumably also now has video recordings of me, Gary Coleman and Chick Shit chick shitting and pissing in buckets. He’s probably posting them all over the internet or sharing them with Joey from Friends, that sick motherfucker. We honestly don’t know what his twisted little game is. But Gary, Chick Shit chick and I figured since he’s watching us use the toilet now anyways we might as well just be naked all the time, so we all stopped wearing clothes. Now whenever Gary or I have to take a whiz we just strut right over to our respective slop bucket, strike a pose for the camera, and let ‘er rip. (I won’t discuss what Chick Shit chick does.) Of course Gary is a lot closer to his bucket than I am to mine. Because he’s short. And also, because he’s got a big penis. Actually he’s probably just got a normal-size penis but on him it looks really big. I know Chick Shit chick sure likes to look at it a lot. Besides watching us urinate and defecate and no doubt admiring Gary Coleman’s penis Bob will also now be able to see me typing out this message on my cell phone. So I’m guessing the gig is up and we’ll be back to “The New Devil’s Dictionary” soon enough. It’s been nice talking to you all again. And, as if on cue, here he comes. I’m not even going to bother putting the phone away this time. What’s the point? Besides, anything is better than this constant throaty breathy falsetto grotesque blaring glaring torture. Now Bob is inside the closet and walking towards me. He’s got something behind his back. Oh it’s a baseball bat. He’s winding up for the swing…and a miss! Dude is total pee wee league. Now Gary and Chick Shit chick just threw their slop buckets all over him! Instead of melting like The Wicked Witch of the West he’s just standing there grinning all covered in piss and shit. Now Chick Shit chick has jumped onto his back and he’s spinning her around and around and banging her into the wall! And now Gary Coleman is kicking Bob right in the family jewels! Bob is probably the only other guy in the world besides Tom Cruise and Webster who is short enough for Gary to actually kick in the nuts. Go Gary! Oh man, that has to hurt! Oh shit he’s got a taser! Gary’s down! Now he’s coming after me again! Chick Shit chick is kicking and screaming and clawing at his eyes. Oh shit now Chick Shit chick’s down! When he tased her off his back he also tased himself but it just made him crazier! Now he’s tasing himself in the nuts over and over all covered in piss and shit and laughing maniacally. And now he’s walking towards me again! Somebody please help^KHDISJEF()^t% w#$ikUJhioph:eshioehoip HOPHI*O(&)&T(YUBHG&(O*&O^FVP:?KI;
More Spamrider Columns
A new Spamrider of the Apocalypse each Sunday, and beyond!
