The P and Illiteracy

Judas Priest—“Sin After Sin”

MoTW—“Humanoids From the Deep”

Out of all the news from last week, only two items somehow became
embedded in my mind. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t erase them from
my brain, so I guess they were really newsworthy and need my 2 cents.

The first story is the claim from Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, that
she has never read a book in her life.

Really? She has NEVER read ANY book in her life? No “Cat in the Hat”? No
“Animal Farm”? No “Fear of Flying”? No “James and the Giant Peach”? No
“Ball Four”? No “Tao According to Pooh”? No “Kama Sutra”? No “Cricket in
Times Square”? Is this possible?

I guess someone who’s illiterate can make the same claim, but she’s been
in a movie and had to memorize lines, right? This would mean than she
can read, so something’s wrong in Spiceland.

She states that she does read fashion magazines, so if she was really
illiterate that would be ok since she can just look at the pictures.
Sadly, I don’t think this is the case and I’m willing to get to the
bottom of this story.

I want proof from Posh that her claim is true. Until I receive
definitive proof that she has never read a book in her life, there not
be a Spice Girl reunion and massive world tour. People need the truth
and I’m more than willing to make sacrifices to get this truth.

But if her claim is true, my respect for her will climb since that would
mean that she has never read a Harry Potter book. But then again, since
she’s supposedly never read any book, my respect would have to dip. What
a quandary I’m in.

This would also mean that she will never read Seancombspuffydiddyp’s
memoir. Actually none of us will read it since he never wrote it causing
his publisher to sue.

Maybe he figured that he couldn’t take parts of other books, throw in a
few of his ideas and claim it as his own since someone would catch on,
like a lot of people did with his music. Maybe it has something to do
with that dastardly “P” he decided to drop.

And that’s story #2 that I can’t dislodge from my head.

I guess he was spotlight-starved and decided he wanted to make a major

Was it a cure for cancer?

Was he going to eradicate world hunger?

How about a cheesier sauce in your macaroni and cheese box?

Maybe a car that would get 87 MPG?

Sadly, it was none of the above.

Nope, his big news was that he was dropping the “P” from “P Diddy” and
would be known as “Diddy” from now on. This way his fans could feel
closer to him because, I guess, he felt that they were too stupid to say
a letter and two syllable word which was causing a tremendous rift
between him and those that bow down to his greatness.

What’s funny is that he admitted that he sometimes had problems
explaining who he was when he was calling someone on the telephone. I
guess a conversation would go something like this:

P Diddy: “Yo, yo, YO! Know who this is?”

Other person: “JFK?”

P: “Yo, no! It’s C Diddy!”

O: “Who?”

P: Yo, my bad! Yo, yo, yo, it’s D Diddy!”

O: “Who?”

P: Yo! My bad! Again! It’s me! T Diddy!”

O: “Who?”

P: “Yo, it’s Diddy! Dee-eye………um…..yo….like two other letters
and why! Got something in front of that too………B?”

O: “Oh! Is this P Diddy?”

P: “Who? Oh yeah! Yeah, yo that’s ME! I’m P Diddy! Yo, that P throws me
every time, yo you know what I mean, yo?”

Maybe he couldn’t figure out that the letter P is just like the
capitalized letter D except with a line connected to and extending a bit
below the left hand side of the D. This could be why he couldn’t write
his memoirs since that dastardly P would eventually pop up somehow.

Maybe I’ve been dwelling too much on these two stories since in the long
run, they won’t amount to much. At least they have almost disappeared
from my cranium and I can go on living.

Maybe I should just go.

COMING NEXT: How to get a stuck crate out of a tree.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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