The Best of Melissa…

Note from the Editor: Our writers vowed to go on strike after the real writers were done with their strike. This makes no sense, and we have no idea why they decided to do this. But because of the “strike” we are forced to post the equivalent to a re-run, As Seen on TV! So, here it is…THE BEST OF MELISSA:

Good thing I visited the doctor yesterday!

This past weekend, while dancing, I noticed a reddish-brown liquid running down my legs. During my break I ran to the dressing room to check to see what it was, and I was shocked to discover that it was coming from my private parts!!

It wasn’t my time of the month, so I thought I had one of those social diseases since, as everyone knows, go-go bars are full of all sorts of diseases.

I went home very concerned and stayed awake all night watching this liquid ooze down my legs. Maybe I squatted on an infected part of the stage, I thought. Or maybe I was infected by sliding down the pole, because I followed Misty who always likes to “hump” the pole and I know for a fact that she isn’t the cleanest person around.

I finally broke down and cried. I figured that my insides were liquifying and were slowly leaking from my body. I was really scared because I felt that I didn’t have much longer to live.

I finally fell asleep and when I woke up a few hours later I was relieved to find that the leaking had stopped and all that was left was crusty reddish-brown stuff on my legs. I was very tempted to peel of a portion in order to taste it to figure out what it was, but I finally dumped some ammonia and scrubbed the crusty residue until it completely disappeared, along with a good portion of my skin.

I didn’t think about it again until yesterday when I went to the doctor’s office. I told him what had happened, and he had me lay down on the examining table so he could look in me and find out what the problem was.

He rooted around in me for a while and finally withdrew his arm. I noticed that he was holding something in his hand and when I asked him what it was, he showed me, and I just couldn’t stop laughing!!!

I must have been really horny when I visited Ralph last week because I forgot to remove the last bag of chewing tobacco from inside of me and it had finally split open while I was dancing!! The doctor asked if I would like to keep the empty bag of tobacco, but I told him he could keep it as a kind of souvenir. For some reason, I don’t think he did.

Oh well, all that matters is that I am alive and disease free!!!

NEXT WEEK: Amazing uses for dead flowers!!

More Chick Shit for Chic Chicks!

A new Chick Shit column every Wednesday!

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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