The 2009 Roadtrip: Part 4

Warrior—Fighting For The Earth

MoTW—Brothers Of The Head


6:08 am: Woke up. Turned to TBS so I could watch a bit of "Married With

6:11 am: Awake enough now. Decide to go outside and have a smoke.
Luckily had the forethought the day before to bring in some Diet Dew and
some of those Dole orange cups and put them in the mini-fridge. Grabbed
one of each.

6:15 am: Sat on the curb as businessmen and women loaded up their cars.
Cracked open the Dew and the orange cup. Ate the oranges and had a few
sips of Dew.

6:18 am: Finished with breakfast. Lit up a tasty smoke and enjoyed the

6:25 am: Smoke finished. Headed back to the room.
6:30 am: Lay in bed and watched another episode of "Married…" and then
a couple episodes of "Saved By The Bell".

7:55 pm: The woman finally wakes up. She heads downstairs for breakfast,
but not before asking if I wanted something to eat. Told her I already
ate. She asks again and this makes me mad so I grab the bible from the
bedside table and throw it at her. This doesn't please her, which I
could tell by the way she slams the door shut.

8:20 am: The woman comes back, the bible-throwing incident seemingly
forgotten. I turn the cellphone on, check to see if I have any messages
from up-and-coming crackwhores. Only messages are from the behemoth.
Tell the woman that my step sister scares me, she tells me I need to
call her back since "It would be the right thing to do". I ignore this
and head for the shower.

9:15 am: Got some great news. My cellphone rang (or vibrated actually)
while I was in the shower. The nosy woman answered it, of course. And of
course it was step sister. And, of course again, the woman told her
where we were staying. And guess what…..of course the step sister
wants to come over and use the pool since she can't fit into the fucking
shower at her house. Oh, of course she's going to bring the brood. They
would all be at the hotel in an hour, of course.

9:17 am: As I sit crying, the woman says she's leaving so she can do
some shopping. Supposedly shit in a New Jersey Target is different from
shit in a Michigan Target. Go figure.

9:30 am: Go back outside and chain smoke for an hour.

10:30 am: Am heading back inside when a bus pulls up. I smell mutton.
It's them.

10:56 am: Step sister finally manages to unwedge her bulbous ass from
the bus. She's wearing another colorful muumuu, thankfully a different
one without a white glob of something stuck to the front. This one is
decorated with pictures of waffles and kielbasa. The brood are milling
around eating leaves, dirt and any live chipmunks they happen to catch.
I find this strangely endearing.

12:10 am: After using the jaws of life, the rescue crew manages to
extract step sister from the hotel elevator. Guess that weight limit
posted isn't bullshit.

12:15 am: Luckily, we're the only ones in the pool room. I then notice
that there's only six kids. Sadly, two couldn't make it since they were
nursing wounds. Wounds that strangely look like the front grill of a
Mercury Milan. How odd.

12:18 am: Step sister tosses the six kids into the pool. Two immediately
start peeing, one starts drinking, one gets stuck in a filter and two
drop like rocks to the bottom since they've never learned how to swim or
even fucking float like a log.

12:23 am: Humongous is freaking out, she wants her kids rescued. Told
her there was no way I was jumping into the pee pool.

12:30 pm: The pool is empty. It's not even a pool anymore. It's just a
large, empty, rectangular blue thing in the middle of a room. All the
kids are out of the pool, except for the one still stuck in the filter.

12:35 pm: Hotel management comes in the "Pool" room. Something to do
with major flooding throughout the whole hotel. I point at step sister
and blame it on her. They ask her to leave. She eats them.

12:48 pm: After throwing some scraps to the kids, step sister tells me
that she needs to get to her Pilates class. I remind her that one of her
offspring is stuck in the pool filter, she says that he/she/it would
find a way to free him/her/itself and get home (just like yellow dog?).
After successfully avoiding a hug, I watch her lumber away with the
brats (minus one) following.

12:50 pm: Back in the room. Called the woman and tell her I was packing
our shit up and that we were leaving. She thought that was funny and
told me that she wasn't done shopping. And then she said something about
a bible.

12:51 pm: I start crying again.

COMING NEXT: The way this is going…Part 4

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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