Tasty Succulent Legs

By Stephen Johnson

Peter Frampton—“Breaking All the Rules”

MoTW—“Dead & Breakfast”

I missed National Talk Like a Pirate Day on 9/19.

I don’t know why I missed it since someone had kindly sent me a reminder
that it was coming up, and I was chock full of excitement. Yet that
Monday passed by and I didn’t realize until the following Tuesday
afternoon that I had missed out on one of the most important days of the

Anger set in as I opened a can of store brand baked beans and it must
have been a really, really deep anger since I freaked out when I saw the
cockroach leg resting comfortably on top of the bean sauce.

Normally a cockroach leg or two in a can of baked beans doesn’t cause me
too much concern since they really are quite spicy and tasty, but this
time I needed to take my anger out on someone so I picked up the open
can and drove to the store from whence they had been purchased.

Into the store I walked with my open can of beans not even bothering to
acknowledge the retiree trying to hand me that week’s special store
circular loaded with tons of savings. I had a destination in mind and I
couldn’t hesitate for even a second for fear that my anger would

To the customer service counter I went and I showed them the bug leg
nestled in the sauce between two scrumptious looking beans. At first
they thought it was one of my eyelashes or maybe even a pubic hair so I
fished out the leg and showed it to them up close and they finally
agreed that it really was an insect leg.

They offered me either a refund or a new can of beans, but I wanted
blood so I demanded to see the manager. They paged him over the intercom
and I waited to spew some of my wrath on someone, anyone, all because I
missed TLAPD.

Finally the manager showed up and at this time I was sweating profusely
because of the bottled up anger and the really heavy sweatshirt I was
wearing. He asked me what the problem was so, as I wiped the sweat from
my face with my hand, I explained what I had found in my beans.

He asked to see the leg and I held out my hand and in my palm

Holy crap! I had used the hand holding the leg to wipe my sweaty face!

“Quick!” I screamed. “Look at my face! The leg is somewhere ON MY FACE!”

Instead of looking at my face he immediately called store security and I
was quickly and professionally escorted from the store.

I’m still bathing in the same water since last Tuesday. After I’m done I
have been sifting through the water hoping that the leg will show up
again. So far no luck and I’m running out of the store brand beans. They
way I feel right now is that when I run out I am going to start buying
name brand beans.

As a matter of fact, no more of any type of store brand products for me
even though I’ve put up with their bug legs for many, many years. Since
they want to treat me like a crazy person I am going the name brand only
route and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it.

COMING NEXT: All about name brand crates

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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