Take your church and shove it.

By Garion Bel
Dear Garion,

My wife and I are considering rejoining the church. We don’t really like the people there, and they treat us like they are better than us, but it’ll give us something interesting to do. Maybe we can change some of the people there for the better. They might even let my liberal ass teach a class and my wife is talking about starting a new career as a pastor.

Work has been hell lately, we don’t know if everyone on campus is going to get laid off or not, and I can’t get my manager(s) to tell me what I am going to be doing in the future. But what the hell, if my wife is a pastor in a year, I’ll tell these bastards to kiss my ass and I’m out the door. What do you think?



Ah yes, much like that Chinese girl on the internet that when tired of sitting on the toilet, retired to the bath tub only to lie in a more uncomfortable position to launch diarrhea from her anus directly into her mouth, you are about to replace one discomfort with another.

Work does strange fucking things to people, especially when the threat of being laid off is ever fuck present. It makes otherwise perfectly reasonable people untrustworthy, fucking illusive and uncommunicative. It encourages them to take fucking credit they don’t deserve, and think one fucking way but behave in another to fit in. All the while toiling away in quiet fucking terror, until finally, they piss off the wrong fuck person. Their psyche strikes back and they eat too much cheese, drink half a fucking bottle of vodka Tuesday night so that they have to call in sick (drunk) on Wednesday, and in the final, most desperate and degrading of escapes, return to a fucking church full of people they can’t stand.

The same elements that you have in the fuck corporation are present in most fucking churches. There is a quiet fucking panic, a fuck urgency to make others behave like everyfuckingone else, because the world is about to fucking end.

You don’t have to think the same as they do, just act the fucking same, and if you think differently than the others you must communicate less to fit in. People who go to churches this day in age all fucking act as if they are saved, they are perfect enough to enter heaven, and believing such they will consider themselves as qualified fucking judges of those around them. Some spend their time in despair knowing themselves fucking false or unworthy, while others spend their fucking time in a delusion, in which they are there only for the benefit of the others, to make them as they themselves are.

This, Terry, really pisses God off. But he, quite frankly, is just an angry fucking guy, so don’t worry too much about him. If going to this church makes you happy, then fucking do it. My advice is only to be authentic and allow yourself to enjoy the class, and your wife to enjoy her new profession. Don’t try too hard to change anyone’s mind about what they believe, it may be the crutch that they fucking use to perceive the world. Removing it could drive them mad and could get you fucking crucified.


Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Enjoyed this? Please spread the word :)