Sumthin’ to do after Christmas

Dear Bel,

I have been a little bored lately. Mostly because I have been low on cash from the holidays, so I thought I could start stalking people. I imagine that it is a lot of fun and really cheap! (If you pack a lunch) Can you give me any advice?


Dear Bob,

They easiest way to stalk is to just go to the Mall after work and pick someone out at random. Men are usually no fun, so I would avoid them if I were you. Most of them treat shopping as a military excursion and are in and out of the store before you can start giving meaningful glances at the security guards. I would avoid young women too; they are too quick to notice anyone looking in their direction. And then you have to start worrying about not looking out of place in stores like Victoria Secret. Middle age pregnant women are the easiest prey, they are usually too busy concentrating on how much pain they are in and are used to people staring at them because of their pitiful state. Moreover, they shop in places like SEARS and BURDINES so it will be easy for you to blend.

You will also need a disguise. I recommend that you dress as a frat boy. You will need a pair of khakis and a polo shirt. If a security guard stops you, just tell him that you lost a bet and have to follow this idiot around all day. Alternatively, you could get a rent-a-cop job and work nights. Then you could target anybody. All they do is stalk people in the mall and they are paid for it!

Hope this helps,


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Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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