Dear Bel,
For years I had considered getting a mail-order bride. Recently I took a chance and married a very sweet Chinese woman. Now, we have been very happy but there is one thing that is starting to cause some conflict. My wife keeps wrecking cars, Bel. This will be her fifth car in the last six months! We have tried everything. She has been to driving school twice and I have a friend who is a cop that has been giving her lessons in defensive driving as well. Because of where we live, she has to drive to work. If she wrecks this next car, I think I will have to forbid her from driving. What should I do Bel?
-Jon
Dear Jon,
Look at the kind of cars you have been giving her to drive. Are they too pricey for a driver of her caliber? Perhaps she is trying to single handedly boost the economy by getting you to buy more cars. Really, maybe you should just face the fact that she is too dangerous to be on the road and forbid her from driving. But I see her leaving you in the future if you tell her she can’t drive anymore, so I suggest you be a little more subtle in your influence. Buy a lot of life insurance on her and then buy her next car at “Jumpin Jim’s Used Car Sales”. Jim is an old friend of mine. He will take good care of your wife. Then if she wrecks the car, no big deal. The car can be easily replaced and you can mail-order another bride.
God bless America.
-Bel
COMING NEXT: A litto-bitto this, a litto-bitto that.
