Finally! A Break From The Roadtrip!


MoTW—Sex Drive

Due to nasty nightmares, I decided to take a break from writing about
the 2009 roadtrip. Thinking about what was to come next made me almost
puke, so I'm going to write something light and airy. Something fun,
something where I don't have to mention an 800 lb behemoth.

Last Sunday I made my weekly trip to the local smoke shop so I could
pick my usual four cartons of smokes. While there, I noticed a display
rack filled with American Spirit cigarettes and decided that I would
pick up a pack since it had a drawing of an Indian on the front and I
like Indians since they cry when people litter.

The proprietor told me that the American Spirit cigarettes lasted a LONG
time which I figured was just some sort of sales pitch. I chuckled at
this, not believing him, and headed home to ponder over the roundabout
the town had decided to put in up the road from our house.

Why they did this I have no idea. Maybe because the four-way stoplight
was too difficult for the local morons to figure out I guess. And a
roundabout would make it that much easier how?

Anyway. the first time I tried to navigate through it, I was thrown off
by the signs with arrows pointing every which way. I thought I could
figure it out without the signs, but when I ended up in Indiana, which
is a hundred or so miles away, I decided I didn't like the roundabout
one bit.

Now I drive an extra ten miles to bypass the roundabout, but this makes
me angrier since I always have to deal with someone in front of me and I
just want to eradicate them. By doing this, my drive anywhere would be
that much more enjoyable.
And it's not only those drivers in front of me. Those one or two long
time readers know I have a severe issue with people that can't use a
blinker and how I want to shove a dead pine tree up their asses. I also
have an issue with lane closures on roads and how a few drivers totally
fuck it up for the few drivers who follow the proper procedures.

So here's what we got: A three lane road. The left lane is closed
because of some bridge repair. There's signs posted stating the left
lane is closed. There a sign with a diagram of the left lane closing.
This should signify to normal people to get in the middle lane. This
way, traffic would run smooth since there'll still be two lanes open.

But it's not as simple as that, of course. For some reason some drivers
in the middle lane decide it's a good idea to get into that left lane
which is closed about a quarter mile ahead, which causes the middle lane
to come to a complete standstill since some good samaritan has to let
the idiots using the left merge. In my book, that's two more sets of
people that need to be eradicated: those using that left lane and those
that let them merge which only causes a major backup.

It's a simple solution but there's always someone somewhere telling me I
just can't go out and eradicate drivers because it's illegal and I could
get in trouble, but the I remind them that I would be doing it in
Detroit where eradication fits in and then they have to think about it
and when they get back to me they tell me it's still wrong.

Anyhow, when I got home I tore open the package of American Spirit's and
lit up. Today is Saturday which means that I have been smoking the same
cigarette for seven days. It's incredible!

When I was ready to fall asleep that first night, I put a dollop of glue
on the filter and held it to my lips until it was stuck on but good.
Then I lay on my back in the bed and had the woman tie my head down so
it wouldn't move and start a fire or something. My hands and legs were
also tied down, but I think she did this for some sort of obscene
pleasure on her part. Then, to make sure I didn't twist and turn during
the night, I had her lug in some cinder blocks from the garage and
arrange them around my body so I couldn't move. Then I was able to sleep
and smoke!

Showering was no issue since I haven't taken one for a week. Sure, I
could take a bath but I couldn't risk accidentally splashing water on
the smooth, delicious smoke. Besides, I recently picked up a three-pack
of deodorant so I'm able to mask any foul order that might emanate from
my body.

What makes me happy is thinking about all the money I'm saving! More
money for hookers, drugs and porn! All because of an Indian who invented
a cigarette that lasts FOREVER!

COMING NEXT: Fuck it, I'll need to continue

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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